Page 14 of Speeding Hearts

The ride home was painfully quiet, and as I pulled up to the motel, I fumbled with the words I wanted to say. “Stella, I’m sorry if that was awkward, I just—”

But Stella shook her head. “Dean, it’s fine.” She hesitated. “This is weird, that this is weird.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her choice of words. “You’re weird,” I said, and she smiled for the first time since we stepped into Gino’s.

“Dean, I came here because I wanted to race cars, not to get in the way of your life. So, you can just… pretend I’m not around, if you want.”

“Stella,” I said, wanting to laugh at the absurdity of that. How could I pretend she wasn’t around? The fact of her being here was like a brilliant light shining in a dark room. “How could you possibly get in the way of my life? You fit perfectly.”

I realized too late how that sounded—the words were already out there. I saw her eyebrows shift just slightly up. Shit.Iknew I couldn’t be with anyone, not anyone I cared so much about anyway, because I couldn’t risk messing it up like I messed everything else up. The only reason Victoria and I weren’t together was because of me.

The reason my parents weren’t together was because of me.

The reason my uncle and my father hated each other’s guts was because of me.

I could stuff my own feelings down.

But I hadn’t even consideredherfeelings. Typical, Hughes. Barge in and fuck everyone else.

I took a breath, trying to make sure I said the right thing. “Stella, what I mean is our friendship is everything to me, too. It’s perfect. I—”

I caught myself. I’d almost said what I’d been feeling—that I felt somehownormalaround her. Like I could be myself. Like it might be safe to show her how I was feeling about stuff.

But I didn’t show feelings. I didn’tdofeelings. When I let myself be guided by my feelings, bad things happened.

“I’m glad you’re here,” I said instead. “Nothing more.”

Her throat moved as she swallowed, and I wanted to reach my hand there and cup the soft skin of her cheek; to run my thumb down the pulsing spot under her jaw. I turned away.

“Thanks, Dean,” she said, pulling on the door handle to get out.

“Hey,” I said, before she could close the door behind her. Even though I’d messed things up yet again, I didn’t want the night to end. I felt like if we separated right now, there wouldn’t be any good reason for us to come back together again, and the thought made me sick.

She looked at me without saying anything, her ponytail hanging down along the side of her cheek.

“If you want to try driving, I know a place you can run some cars.”

Her brows pinched together. “I don’t have a car.”

“I do. I have a couple in the shop.”

“And it’s not the Speedway?”

“No. There’s a practice track out of town, up by Mason Lake.”

She smiled, just a little. It lit my whole fucking heart up.

“I can show you this weekend?”

Stella grinned. “Yes. Yes please.”

After I drove away, promising to firm things up by text over the week, I realized I hadn’t been to what we used to call the Back Track in years. It was a totally homemade dirt track people used to use for dirt biking and racing stocks too junked up for the Speedway but not quite ready for the junk heap either. I’d gotten into a fair amount of trouble there as a teenager.

I didn’t even know if it was still there—it could have easily grown over.

If it had, I’d rip out all the brush myself. If it meant seeing Stella smile like that again, I’d do anything.

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