Page 55 of Speeding Hearts

I was letting myself feel.

I didn’t have a good track record with feeling. I never had. But for the briefest moment, hope soared in my chest as I looked at Stella’s beautiful sleeping face. I’d felt with her. I’d felt everything. But it would crash, just like everything else.

And it wouldn’t just hurt me.

She still had the bandage on her arm where she’d crashed at the Back Track. That had been me. She still had barely any things here in the trailer because she’d lost half of them in the motel fire. That had been me too, not stopping her from staying there earlier. What if something else happened to her? What if she kept racing and crashed more seriously?

My heart seized at the thought of something happening to her. And with me, it was only a matter of time before something did. The only way she’d be safe was if I stayed away.

I knew it didn’t make sense, but I also knew what history had taught me. I thought of my parents, stiffly handing each other those yellow envelopes at the dining room table, the last of their marriage tied up in a stack of paper each.

I thought of my mom, dancing around her only brother for years, the rift between them indelible because of me.

The thought of losing Stella was a knife to my heart, cutting deep and sharp and without mercy. But the thought of something happening to her was worse.

I pulled the sheet up, covering her.

I needed to leave—for real this time. I needed to leave Oak Bend. To leave Stella, to give her the chance of something better, with someone who couldn’t hurt her. Dad was doing better—if he slipped into his old ways, it would no longer be life or death. And I knew I could convince Mom to be his emergency contact. She’d softened since the doctor called her that first time. I knew she had. Maybe she would look out for Stella while I was gone too.

Stella was here because of me, and if I left Oak Bend, I didn’t think she would stay. Hopefully that would mean she’d stop racing, too. She’d already expressed her reservations, so maybe this would be the nail in the coffin. The thought was a relief, as deep and powerful as a new river cutting through arid land.

Even as I thought it, I hated myself for wanting her to cut off her dreams. But I didn’t know what else to do. Leaving was the only thing I felt like I could do well.

I took another long look at Stella before getting up, drinking her in. She’d be better without me. Safer. I pulled on my jeans and my shirt, making as little sound as I could. I considered writing a note, but I didn’t even know what to say to her. I couldn’t make the messed-up person I was make sense.

Besides, she deserved better.

I sat back down on the bed. When I did, Stella rolled over, her eyes blinking open sleepily. She frowned, seeing me in my clothes. Then, she sat up, clutching the sheet against her naked body.

“You’re leaving,” she said. Her voice was thick with sleep, her hair mussed and beautiful.

I could lie, tell her I was going to check on Dad. Hell, it wasn’t even a lie. But it wasn’t the whole truth either.

“Stella, I have to go. I don’t know how to do this without messing things up.”

“You think we’re better as friends,” she said. It wasn’t a question.

“I can’t fuck up friends,” I said simply.

“You sure about that?”

I laughed, but the knife in my chest twisted. I knew I’d put the knife there myself.

“Stella, you deserve better than me. You deserve someone who—”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” she said, sitting up straight. “We make good friends. You’re right about that. And if that’s the way we work best together, that’s fine. But you can’t tell me what I deserve. You can’t tell me I need someone to make me happy, because I don’t.”

Goddamn this woman. If I could make her happy, I’d prove her wrong, every damn day of her life. But I knew I couldn’t.

“You’re right,” I said. “You’re perfect just as you are.”

* * *

As I headed backto my place downtown, my chest felt wooden. I know I’d done the best thing for us, but I’d never felt so fucking lost.

What I hadn’t told Stella after we’d hugged was that this goodbye could be our last. I had to take off to make this work. I had to get as far away from Stella as I could—there was no way I could stay here and resist my feelings for her, and that road led to Stella getting hurt. Even if I could, the alternative was worse—I could stay here and watch her fall into the arms of someone else. Because despite what she’d said, I knew she deserved being with someone, if that was what she wanted. Someone normal, who could give her the kind of life other, normal people got to have.

I thought nothing could top the dullness in my chest at leaving Stella, but pulling into town, I felt a deep and sudden sadness at the thought of leaving Oak Bend, too. I’d never been the type who wanted to get out of the small town I’d grown up in. If it weren’t for my own history here, and now Stella, I’d never leave this town again. Each familiar turn I made was like a new wound.

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