Page 109 of Sing For Me

I bury my face in my hands.

Fuck me. I really just blurted that out.

“What shit with Neil, Eli?”

My lungs feel like they’re filled with broken glass. “Neil—he was hitting on Augusta. Harassing her. I didn’t tell you because she didn’t want to lose the show. And I…I needed you to keep singing, Reese.”

Her lip wobbles slightly. “You hid that from me?”

“I was trying to protect you,” I say. “And they wanted the show to go on. Would you have let the show go on if you knew he was being a creep?”

Reese wipes the tears springing from the corners of her eyes with the heels of her palms. I hope—I pray—she can see my side on that one at least. But when I take a step toward her, she takes a step backward, stopped only by her desk. “No.”

But she’s not answering my question. The bitter taste of panic burns my throat. She’s saying no to me.

You’re going to lose her. Just like you lost Kelly.

Only this isn’t like that. I realize in this moment that I always knew, with Kelly, that what we had wasn’t for keeps. I tried to hold it together with everything I could, I gave it everything. But underneath it all, there was a truth I hid from everyone, even myself.

“Reese, my whole life I’ve tried to stuff this part of me down, to hide this ugly part of me away. But I don’t know how to not feel. And when it comes to you—I feel more than I’ve ever felt. When I see someone hurting you, when I seehim…”

I cut myself off. Because even now, when the intensity of my reactions might have destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me—and there’d be no going back from this if I lost her again, my hands curl into fists. How anyone could have pressed the passion I saw in her down for so long…

If it happened again, right now, I’d do it again. I know I would, and I think Reese knows it too.

“Reese, if he’s what tears us apart this time…if he’s responsible for you hating me once again, maybe I will murder him. Maybe it’ll feel good, too.”

But Reese is shaking her head. “You still don’t get it, Eli. It doesn’t matter what you think is right. There are other people’s feelings involved.”

Shame floods my chest. An old, bitter shame I’ve felt my whole life.

I don’t know what to say now, but the sound of clipping heels comes fast down the hall outside, and Reese’s eyes darting up over my shoulder prevent the need to say anything. I know before she even speaks it’s going to be my sister.

“Eli, you absolute—”

“I know!” I shout. “Goddammit, don’t you think I know?”

But Cass doesn’t blink. She goes off on how I’ve embarrassed the hotel. I’ve embarrassed her, the family, everyone and their goddamned mother.

Oh Eli.

Mom’s voice echoes in my mind. She was the only one who never focused on my anger, who saw what I got mad for.

Except when I look back at Reese, I know that thought is a lie. Reese knows too. Only it doesn’t matter. My chest clenches. She was talking about her own feelings that I trampled all over when trying to deal with my own.

I thought hitting Simon was for her, but it was really for me, and that was the most selfish thing I’ve ever done.

“Eli, are you fucking listening?” Cass exclaims, exasperated.

“Yes,” I say. “Yes, I fucking heard you. I fucked up. Don’t worry. I’ll fix it. Then I’ll get out of everyone’s goddamned hair.”

“You’re already gone,” Cass says coolly. “Don’t you remember? You quit.”

Behind her, Reese’s eyes go wide. Fuck me. She’ll take that the wrong way now, like I’m leaving and wasn’t going to tell her. For all she knows I could be doing anything. Begging Kelly to take me back. Worse, overdoing it. Throwing too many big life decisions at her too fast, like I did with Kelly.

And it’s pushing her away.

The thought makes me want to throw up.

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