Page 124 of Play With Me

She swallows, her eyes shifting away for a moment like she’s scared. “This is what I wanted. For the longest time. But you…you made it clear you never wanted to be with someone like this. That you couldn’t.”

I meet her eyes, something sharp entering my chest. The truth that I’m still too ashamed to admit is I still don’t know how to do it. Even with the most perfect, funny, brilliant, beautiful woman in the world.

I should tell her that. Ineedto tell her that. Because it’s not her fault. She couldn’t be any more perfect to me.

I told you that you have to focus, Jude! You’re just a loser until you win!

I’d forgotten that one.

“What is it?” Nora asks.

I look up at her. She’d seen the thought cross my mind. Or she was just reading my mind. “I…I used to have this coach when I played. He was with me from when I was a kid and started training seriously.”

Nora touches a hand gently to my shoulder, and I’m not sure if she’s indicating I don’t need to speak or if I should go on.

But it’s out now, so I talk. I’ve never told anyone about Coach. “He made me a star,” I say. “And he was so nice to my parents—they never knew what he was really like.” I meet her eye, in case she gets the wrong idea. “It wasn’t horrible. Like, I’ve heard horror stories about kids in sports.” I grit my teeth. “So I don’t really have anything to complain about.”

“Whatever it is, you’re downplaying it, Jude.”

I pop my jaw. “He just…he was a dick about everything. When I didn’t perform the way he wanted, he’d act like he was kind and understanding on the court, but the minute we were out of sight, he’d lose it on me. Tell me exactly how badly I fucked up because I wasn’t paying attention, or I was ‘too stupid to see a neon ball flying at my face.’”

My chest is tight thinking about him—aside from his voice that rings in my ears every time I fuck up, I try never to think of him.

“I mean, it’s what I needed to get to where I got.”

Nora’s quiet, watching me, her face so open and caring I have to look away.

“When I was twelve, he caught me flirting with a girl and lost his absolute shit on me. He was obsessed with my focus. No space for emotion. But he screamed so hard I started to cry. And fuck, you can’t cry when you’re almost thirteen, especially not in front of him.”

One thing at a time, Jude! Your little pea brain can handle one thing at a time.

His face was red, he was so mad, spit flying from his mouth as he spoke.

You might—might—have what it takes for the pros, but you’ll never get there if you don’t live, breathe, eat, and shit tennis. I don’t want you so much as reading a goddamned pamphlet. Do you hear me? That canoodling shit, that’s for the losers who don’t succeed, Jude. Focus. That’s the only fucking way!

“No adult ever swore at me like that, you know? Right up in my face.”

I laugh, but the sound is bitter.

“Is that why you don’t date, Jude?”

I shrug. “No. Dating was just never for me. My family used to joke I’d get married to a tennis racket if I could.”

I play it off with a smile, but the sting at that joke is still there. But I think we both know Nora’s nailed it as usual. Between my family, my coach, and then getting a young girl pregnant—it’s always been safer to do what Coach told me to do: focus on one thing and hope to get it right.

Nora brushes my cheek with her thumb, and it feels so good, I catch her hand there, holding it against me.

She opens her mouth like she’s going to say something and suddenly I panic. I can’t have her tell me they were all wrong. That I did deserve to be with someone. Because that would just make me pathetic, wouldn’t it? I’d have wasted all those years.

“Jude, I couldn’t have figured all the Eleanor stuff out on my own.”

I laugh. But she’s serious.

“I mean it. You’re the one who got us into the archives. Who saw James in the photo. Who thought Eleanor might have brought her baby to the convent.”

I didn’t think about it, but when she puts it that way, I’m a little stunned.

“I’m sorry you ever thought you weren’t good enough, Jude. They were wrong about you. All of them. And your coach sounds like he was a real piece of shit.”

---