Page 135 of Play With Me

I did remember. It was the first time I remember losing it on them. Those guys had been mean, and I wouldn’t have anything bad happen to the people I loved. “I didn’t do anything brave though.”

“Sure, you did. You could have hidden away after that happened. Never left home. Jumped anytime a guy said ‘boo’ to you. But you remember what you did?”

I laugh, without humor. “I went to the library.”

“That’s right. You got out all those books on car repair and made both of us work on the car together so we’d both know what to do if it broke down again. Then you went out and took that self-defense course.”

I smile. “Remember—”

“When I said self-defense courses were only good if you actually knew how to do the moves?”

I’m already laughing.

“So you kicked me in the nuts.”

“You cried!” I laugh.

Chris claps his hand over his heart. “I can’t believe you’re mocking my pain!”

It feels so good to laugh again. Jude and Cap always make me laugh like this.

I don’t realize I’ve stopped laughing until Christian does too. He examines me a moment before looking down, twisting his wedding ring around his finger idly. “It’s okay to take a while to get over someone, you know,” he says softly. “And to still love them even if you can’t have them.”

It feels like he might be talking about himself—I know it’s hard on his marriage for him to be away so much. But I’m already swallowing down the lump in my throat because I know he was really talking about me.

He’s right; I’m still in love with Jude. I think I might always be. And maybe that’s okay.

But he’s also right, I realize, in telling me what Jude always made me feel when I was around him. That I wasn’t always scared. That some part of me, some important inner core part of me was brave, and always had been, in my own way.

CHAPTER34

Jude

It’s that weird stretch of time between Christmas and New Year’s when everyone’s gorged themselves on chocolates and cheese, no one’s working—except Cass and Blake, they’re always working—and no one knows what day or time it is.

I do. I know exactly what day it is—December 27th, seven p.m. Exactly twenty days since I last saw Nora Albright.

My whole family’s crammed into Dad’s living room watching some family movie, while I’m standing in the kitchen, tapping my fingers on the counter, my mind all over the place and body too tightly strung to sit still. I feel like I need to work out, but I already spent three hours on the squash court this morning smashing a ball by myself. Then this afternoon, Cap and I built a whole igloo outside. I wanted to stay out there, but Cap’s teeth were chattering. So we went in for hot chocolate and now I’ve got ants in my goddamned pants again.

“What are you doing, Jude?” a gruff voice barks, making me spin around. “You look like you drank two gallons too many of coffee.”

“No coffee,” I say to Griff, who’s standing in the doorway, his face grim.

He inspects me a minute, then says, “All right, come with me.” He’s using that tone that makes him sound like an army general or something.

“Where?”

“We’re going outside.”

Even though I’d be happy to go outside, I don’t like him talking to me like I’m a damn foot soldier. Or a child. I push back just because I can. “It’s freezing.”

“Then put on your fucking mittens. Let’s go.”

I consider telling my brother where to go. He may have fifty pounds on me, but I’m still strong. And fast. I could outrun him in a second. But he’s already in the hallway pulling on his coat and boots. He glances at me like he might just sit on me if I don’t do the same.

I grumble, but a few minutes later, I’m trudging along in the snow next to him.

“So?” Griff asks.

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