Page 138 of Play With Me

Griff gives me his bullshit look.

“I’m not. I would know.”

“Because you’ve been in love so many times before.”

“What, and you have?”

My brother looks down.

He has. Shit. I had no idea. “Wait, you were? Who was she? Is she?”

“Was, and it doesn’t matter now. What matters is I guess you’re right. You wouldn’t know love if it punched you in the face. Maybe Ishouldhit you.”

“I told you, I’m not—”

“Do you care about her?”

I fold my arms. “Of course. She’s my best fr—”

“Like really fucking care about her. Like if she called you right now and said she was scared or hurt, or missed you, would you hop on a plane?”

I would. In a heartbeat. “She could tell me she needed a peanut butter sandwich and I’d bust ass to the airport.”

“And are you attracted to her?”

I harrumph. I already told him I am. The sex dreams have been out of control since I got back. I’m surprised I still have my full head of hair with all the times I’ve yanked it to GTFO of those dreams. I picture her now, draped over me, bent before me, or that first moment, on the edge of the tub.

“Well?”

I squeeze my eyes shut, scrubbing my face with my hand. “Fucking yes, I’m attracted to her,” I say through my fingers. “She’s the sexiest woman I’ve ever met. But she’s also the smartest, always figuring things out before anyone else, always full of ideas that I wish I would have thought of. She’s funny, and she laughs at my jokes, and she loves my son, and yes, I can’t stop thinking about her every second of every day. I picture my future and…” I swallow. “I can’t see it without her in it. It’s like a giant black hole.”

“That’s what love is,” Griff says, so soft I almost miss it.

For a moment, I have no words.

Then I turn to my brother, my chest as tight as a drum. “I can’t be. I’ll just fuck it up.” My voice is a whisper.

“You already did.”

I shake my head. “I’llkeepfucking it up.”

“That’s what relationships are about, Jude. You fuck up, you apologize, you talk it out, you’re happy.”

Since when is my stoic older brother so wise about love? But I don’t linger on that thought. I linger on the wordlove.My heartbeat increases in speed now, clattering like I just ran a marathon. “I’m in love with her,” I say with almost wonder. “I’m in love with my best friend.” Then the panic sets in. My breath comes fast and shallow as I turn to Griff. “But she already left me, and it nearly fucking broke me. If I tell her I love her and she leaves me again—”

“Goddammit, Jude, that’s the whole fucking point! Love is about sticking your neck out like a chicken on the block, knowing you’re going to lose your head and doing it fucking anyway. Do you know how goddamned lucky you are?”

Griff’s voice is strained with more emotion than I’ve ever seen in him. I didn’t know he had real feelings like the rest of us.

Griff leans over, his elbows on his knees. “Jude, I don’t think you’re stupid. You always know the right thing to say when some of us struggle to string a sentence together. You saw your gift on the courts and you took it. You met an amazing woman and somehow got her to fall in love with you and your son, after you probably showed her more than you’ve ever shown anyone.”

“She saw me at my worst. You think…”

She’s in love with me.

“I have to go,” I say, standing up.

Griff grins at me. I haven’t seen him smile like this in years.

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