Page 141 of Here & There

“What?”

I stand up, grabbing the stick for the fire. I poke at it a little too hard. The logs come tumbling down, sparks flying.

“You don’t want to be here,” I say.

“What are you talking about?”

I hear the anger in her voice.

“I’ve been watching you, Shelby. This whole time.” I try to fix the logs, tipping the burning stumps over. One rolls to the edge of the pit. “Fuck.”

“What do you mean?”

I toss the stick down, turning around. “You’re so good at what you do, Shelby. It makes you so happy, and the fucked-up thing is, it makesmehappy to see you loving it.”

She frowns, her expression confused.

“It’s why I can’t make you move up here. I can’t ask you to give that up.”

“Mac, it’s just a job.”

“But it’s not just a job to you, is it? It’s the company you built yourself. You told me you started it to prove to your parents that you were competent without your sister, right? That you could do things without her guiding you like she always used to?”

Hurt dances across her face with the golden flicker of firelight. She told me that in the dark, in her room, weeks ago. We both made quiet, deep confessions that night. We both cried. It was one of my favorite nights with her. And now I’m throwing it in her face.

But I’ve been thinking about this. Maybe since even before Nadine came back. “It doesn’t make sense, Shelby. You love the job, but you love Vancouver too. You always talk about your favorite ramen shop and that bookstore with the section all about boats you keep telling me I’d love.”

“Because of you!” she exclaims. “Mac, I love the boat section because it reminds me of you.”

“I don’t even have a fucking boat!” I snap.

She rears back, her face so hurt.

I’m so fucking ashamed. But we’re here now. Where I knew I had to take this. “I can’t have someone else leave him, Shelby.”

“I’m not going to leave him, or you. I love you. I love Nate.”

“It’s not enough.” My voice cracks. People who love still leave. They drown, even full of love. “I can’t tie you down here. I’d just be…clipping your wings.”

“Mac, what the hell is happening here? Are you breaking up with me?”

Even though the words tear through my every cell, I say, “You should go home, Shelby. Tomorrow.”

Shelby stands up. “I thought I was home, Mac.”

The words are like a fucking knife in my chest.

I turn around so she can’t see the way my eyes are red, my nose burning. I keep turned around, because if I look back at heragain, all this pain will be for nothing, and I’ll be dreading this moment for however long she stays.

“Stay here tonight. I’ll go sleep at Cal’s.”

“You’re sabotaging us, Mac,” she says. She’s furious. I can hear it.

“Goodbye, Shelby.” I have to be a dick. It’s the only way she’ll leave. I need to walk away now, down the steps to the beach, away from her so she knows I’m serious.

My heart feels shorn from my body. Like it’s torn on all its edges. I can’t leave her like this. I can’t let her go thinking I don’t love her, can I?

I’m so fucking weak that I turn around, ready to drop to my knees and beg her not to go despite what I just said.

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