Page 153 of Here & There

He’s blurry under here, his hair swirling around him like a merman. I grip his shirt and pull him to me. I kiss him, just a press of lips underwater. Just enough, in a space where no one else can see, to show him that even if I’m still mad, I’ll love him anywhere.

I want to be over it. I really do. But when we swim back to shore and get out together, half the beach cheering. I walk with my head down toward my chair.

There’s still a knot in my heart, one I’m not sure how to untie.

I grab my towel and dry my face.

Deanie looks questioningly between the two of us. “Can I stop hating him now?”

I look up at Mac. “I don’t know.” I let out a little sob I didn’t know was there.

Mac looks like he wants to hurt the world for hurting me.

“Come on,” she says. “Let’s go.”

We help her pack up, which mostly involves loading Mac up with all the stuff, and head for her car. She drops us off at my place to change and says she’ll meet us at the office in an hour. I don’t know what she’s talking about, and I don’t question it. I just lead Mac upstairs.

“You can wear those,” I say, pointing to the outfit his son was wearing last night until his clothes dried.

I leave him to go have a shower, then pull on a sundress. I decide it looks too sexy, so I switch for jeans and a tank top.

I don’t love that either. I start to cry, and the cries quickly turn into sobs.

A soft knock on the door sounds. “Can I come in?”

I turn sideways. “Yes,” I mumble, trying to wipe away the tears. They won’t stop.

The bed dips as Mac sits beside me. “Shelby. I don’t expect you to say anything or to make a decision. I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry, and I love you. Also…I don’t want you to quit your job. You blow my mind with how good you are at it. Watching you in your element brings me almost as much joy as watching you…well, doing everything.”

“You’re talking about sex,” I blubber, still not looking at him.

“Not only sex. But yes, sex. But I love watching you play video games with Nate too. I love you finding a camel on something. I love you crying through every Disney movie and falling asleep during action movies. I love you making everyone in Redbeard fall in love with you just by spending the tiniest bit of time with them. I love…you, Shelby.”

I wanted to ask him why me, when he could have his pick. But he’s just told me why. And better, he alreadyshowedme why. I’m making him tell me over and over again…

“I…maybe I need a therapist again too, Mac.”

His warm hand spreads across my back tentatively before he pulls it away.

“I think that’s a good idea.”

“I love myself, Mac. I really do. But sometimes I feel like I have to do so much to make other people love me too.”

“Shelby,” he says. “I promise you. All youhaveto do with me is keep being you.”

I turn to him finally, blinking away my tears. I see him as a little boy, looking adorably at his family. I see him as the teenager, trying to save the whole world. I see him as this man, so cautious and reserved but so willing to give everything for anyone. Right down to the shirt off his back. “Oh, Mac,” I say. Then I look down. “Oh…Mac.”

Laughter bubbles up in me, like a geyser.

The heartache and worry on his face are overtaken by a look of confusion.

“You never told me you were a Canucks fan.”

Mrs. Liu’s son is not a large man. He’s an average-sized guy who wears average, medium-sized clothes. On Mac, the Jersey and shorts give a new definition to the word snug.

Mac flushes. “Yes,” he says. “Me and the team, we’re tight. So to speak.”

I fall back on the bed, laughing. I laugh so hard I’m crying again, and when Mac leans over me in that jersey, I laugh again.

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