Page 63 of Here & There

I help her assemble the kindling. Then I hand her some newspaper from the stack of flyers I brought down here, and after we crumple them up and stick them in the empty spaces between the logs, I give her the lighter.

The paper catches easily, then the kindling, and a moment later, a fire’s roaring happily in the pit.

Shelby whoops, raising her hand for a high five.

I hold mine up, and when she claps hers against mine, I have to resist the urge to wrap my fingers around hers. To lose them in my oversized paw and pull her toward me…

“Dinner was great and all,” Shelby says, “but this is what I was hoping for by the end of the night. I didn’t know if you use this little slice of perfection.”

She looks out over the fire to the deep cobalt of the ocean under the newly starry sky, and my chest fucking hurts looking at her.

“Honestly, Mac, this place is heaven,” she breathes.

It feels like it right now. “Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” I say with total honesty.

“You can’t get this kind of peace in Vancouver, that’s for sure,” she says almost wistfully. Then she sinks down into a chair, sighing deeply.

I look around, trying to sort out where to sit, when she pats the one next to her.

Why the hell do I have the chairs set up in pairs? I’m the only one who comes out here, and I haven’t been out here in a while.

I lower myself into the Adirondack next to hers.

Our arms, I notice too late, are within an inch of each other on the armrests.

Though I know it’s wrong, that it would make things so awkward, my whole body wants very badly for her to do that thing she did before, with her pinky. Her touch at the table was innocent. She was showing me she saw me, acknowledging that raw, ancient pain she must have seen when it galloped across my chest like it does sometimes. It was almost too much to take. But when she did that, the sensation of the tiniest square inch of her skin pressed against mine made me feel as cared for as if she’d enveloped me in a hug.

But if she did that…Jesus. I lie awake at night thinking about how it felt carrying her into my bar that first day. Wet and cold and shivering. If I could do that over, knowing the tiniest slices I know of her now, her silliness and kindness and the way she smiles, I’d lean into her salty hair and promise her the moon.

We don’t touch, but it still feels amazing. A silence stretches out between us as we stare at the flames. It’s not totally uncomfortable; fire’s kind of mesmerizing that way.

But I also have shit I want to say.

“So—” I begin.

But Shelby says “What—” at the same time.

She laughs, and the note of embarrassment in it is so sweet I almost forget my own.

“Go,” she says softly.

I sense her looking at me, and when I glance over, her brow is quirked in mock annoyance, brooking no argument.

I take off my cap and rub my hand through my hair. “Fine. Thank you, for dinner. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I didn’t feel any obligation, Mac,” she says softly. “I wanted to do it. It was the least I could do, considering what you’ve done for me.”

I could argue I’ve done the bare minimum, that anyone would have done what I did to make sure she wasn’t in a dangerous situation. But I don’t know that, so I brush it aside to tell her what I really want to say. “It meant a lot that you involved my son.”

Shelby’s quiet for a moment. Long enough that I look back at her face. She’s in profile now, her skin lit up in the warm orange glow of the flames. The fire pops and snaps, and I feel a dangerous expansion in my chest as she smiles to herself, still not looking at me. Like she’s pleased with herself in the most un-self-serving way.

“He’s such a good kid,” she says finally.

I keep my eyes trained on the flames. I refuse to let myself fall into the anger I felt after I got that call. Nate didn’t need to see any of it, and Shelby doesn’t either.

But I find my mouth moving before I can stop myself. “I just wish I had some part in it.”

I don’t mean to sound bitter. I haven’t even acknowledged how bitter I am. But my words belie my feelings. What the hell is it about Shelby that makes me want to emote so goddamn much?

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