Page 117 of Give & Take

Instead, Chris takes a full step back. “Excuse me?”

“Chris, it’s me!” I say, now extremely proud of myself. Nailed it.

Chris’s eyes go wide. “Raphael?”

“Shhh!” I say, looking around her. Luckily Lana’s still not on the floor.

“Raphael, are you serious?” Chris hisses, stepping back toward the table. “I didn’t recognize you atall.”

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“In theory, yes, butthisis the disguise you chose?” She looks around, then picks up a menu like she’s pretending to explain something on it.

I look down, tightening my belt. “I was going for 1970s undercover detective,” I say proudly. “Looks great, right?”

“Raph,” she says through her teeth, the menu covering half her face. “You look like a sex offender!”

“What?” I look down in horror.

“Especially because you’re sweating so much! Who wears a trench coat in the summer? Are you wearing pants?”

“Shorts!”

Iamsweaty, despite the shorts. I borrowed this trench coat from Mrs. Brown, Lana’s next door neighbor. She said it belonged to her husband. It’s lined with wool, and is way too small—it pinches at the armpits—but beggars can’t be choosers.

“Can you see how this is problematic?” Chris asks, still behind the menu.

I take in my outfit. Pat my mustache. Then I panic. Because she’s right, I thought I’d look mysterious and sexy. Instead I look like a creep. “Shit!”

Then I say it again. “Shit!” That’s because Lana has come out from the back, and is straightening her apron as she steps out onto the restaurant floor. She glances our way, then frowns in what I’m pretty sure is slight disgust.

Chris turns. She must smile at her, because Lana gives a ‘yikes’ solidarity face back then heads for the tables in her section.

“I thought you had a PhD!” Chris whispers after Lana’s back is to us.

“Not yet!”

“Clearly. It’s a good thing you’re pretty.”

I grimace. “Maybe I’ll lose the hat?”

“I don’t think that’s going to solve the problem.” Shestudies me a moment, then covers her mouth. “Honestly, I can’t even look at you.”

I realize she’s now trying not to laugh.

I groan.

“Okay listen,” Chris says. “I can tell Lana I need her to take my table. I’ll tell her you’re harmless. She might not believe me though, as I think we have different creep thresholds.”

“Oh no,” I croak. I’m pretty sure I know exactly what she means by creep threshold. While I’m sure neither woman would put up with anything remotely too lascivious, I can see Chris rolling her eyes or plainly telling someone to leave. I can see Lana, meanwhile, punching me in the nose and kneeing me in the crotch before physically throwing me out.

I inadvertently hover a menu over my family jewels. Even though I’m a tiny bit proud at the fact that Lana would suffer no creep, even for a moment.

“Just…try to act natural,” Chris squeaks out, then turns around and leaves. “I’ll figure this out.”

I keep my eyes on Lana as Chris walks over there. She pulls her aside to whisper something to her.

Both of them briefly glance my way. I jerk the menu up over my face so she can’t see me staring.

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