Page 143 of Give & Take

“No.”

Lana’s jaw practically unhinges. She presses her palms to her temples. “The meeting. You weren’t having some kind of faculty meeting. You were?—”

“Defending my dissertation. Sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to scare you. I would have quit, but I think that would have gone badly for me.”

“And you think this is going well?”

I run my hand through my hair. “Not yet.”

She drops her hands, striding away. Pacing. She turns on me. “You mean to tell me you finished your dissertation and defended it? In amonth?”

“Three weeks.”

My advisor confided in me, teary-eyed, that it was some kind of record. She was devastated when I told her I wouldn’t stay on as faculty.

Lana shakes her head. “When—yesterday?”

I nod.

“When you picked up the phone,” she says, eyes wide. “You said it wasn’t a great time, that you had to go?—”

I grimace. “Yeah, they didn’t love that. But I didn’t care. I told Nova I’d be available for her whenever she needed. There are no exceptions to whenever, in my mind. Same goes for you.”

“You’re insane!” Lana shoves at me, but grabs at my shirt as if unsure whether to push or pull me away. There are tears in her eyes. “You’re fucking crazy, Raph.”

She pushes against me, not so hard to do damage, but enough that she’s telling me how pissed she is. “You can’t just keep knocking through obstacles!” she exclaims.

“Why not?” I challenge, capturing her wrists. “Why not, when I fucking love you Lana? When I would do anything to be with you? I’m telling you in every way I know how that I want to be with you. I want to be with those girls forever. The thought of leaving your life, watching some other man take that place I know is mine?”

I shake my head, bringing her hands to my face. “Look at me Lana.”

Her expression is unreadable.

“Tell me you don’t love me too.”

“I don’t love you.”

“You’re a liar.”

Her lip wobbles, her gorgeous eyes filling with tears. They’re huge, so full of fear. But so full of want, too. “I can’t love you, Raphael.”

“You can,” I say, pulling her into me. “You do. And it’s okay, you’re safe.”

A tear escapes her eye, and I catch it with my thumb, brushing it away. “You’re safe,” I say. I hope I’m conveying the conviction I feel, because I’ve never meant anything more. “I’ll keep your heart in an iron box, Lana. Right fucking here.” I slap at my chest.

She lets out a sob, and this time catches it herself, with a hand across her mouth. “I hate you, Raphael.”

“You don’t,” I whisper.

“I do,” she says. But then she rises up and kisses me, and it’s the sweetest, softest kiss I’ve ever known. It tells me she loves me, but she doesn’t know how to say it. It tells me she knows she’s safe.

I just don’t know ifIam.

Chapter 39

Lana

Iknow I’ve lost the war.

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