Page 80 of Give & Take

I suddenly feel panicky. Because this is not what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to break this tension; to keep things fun the way she wants. She gives me little smiles at my jokes. She sometimes lets out a low, cautious laugh. But that throw-her-head back, nothing held back mirth?

She’s never laughed like that with me. Never that hard, that full. Never shown me her full, unbridled self. It’s like a switch has flipped, and I realize that’s the prize I was waiting for. Just one full glimpse into the woman I know is in there. I can feelthis moment being etched into my DNA. I can feel her on a deep, cellular…molecularlevel.

Lana stops, her expression concerned. “Hey, you okay?”

It takes me a second to answer, in which her brow furrows.

“Obviously.” I reach for her waistband, hooking a finger into abelt loop.

But she’s not fooled. “What’s the matter?”

“Not a thing, Sunshine.” My voice is a croak.

“Raph,” she says. “Don’t go serious on me. I’m the serious one. If you go serious we have a problem.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because this is just fun! Just…fooling around.”

She needs me to agree with her. She’s asking for permission to do what we both want. But I can’t go back from this moment. I can’t be that guy who doesn’t care about anything all that much except meeting interesting people, having deep conversations and just generally soaking up life. All I can picture is caring way too much about this woman in front of me, with all her stitched-together fissures. Exploring every little glimpse of her real self she’s started showing to me, and spending time with my favorite little girls in the world, and now this?

The thoughts playing bumper cars in my brain jam together when Lana’s alarm sounds.

“Shit,” she says, closing her eyes. “I have to pick up the girls.”

“I’ll do it,” I say quickly. I need a moment to think. Away from the source of all my thoughts.

“Raph. You’re off duty.”

“I don’t mind. Plus, I hogged your writing time.”

“I wasn’t exactly an unwilling participant.”

“I think you started it, actually,” I say, trying for humor but not feeling it myself.

Before she can argue again, I grasp her head and pull her in for one last kiss. And this one? It’s soft. Tender. I don’t mean to do it, but without me speaking, it conveys all the things I want to tell her.

Everything around us stops as I pass the message onto her.

I’m not the same man I was before you. You’ve changed my world.

When I break the kiss, both of us pause, our eyes locked together. Lana looks shocked. Maybe I do too.

I should crack a joke. Tell her I wrote the book on fun and yup, that’s what we’re going to do, have fun.

But calling what just happened fun is like calling the Colosseum cute. Calling the stars sweet.

Fun is not the word for this.

“Don’t worry, Sunshine,” is all I manage. “All good things.”

Then I kiss her one last time, brushing my hand over her hair. I throw my laundry in the machine and head out to grab the girls.

Chapter 21

Raphael

When I pull up to the dance studio, I’m still buzzing. Not with that need anymore, though that’s a low hum as always whenever I think of Lana. But with that world-tilting shift that hit me like bricks in the chest.

---