Page 85 of Give & Take

I stand there a moment, looking through the glass.

Then I smile and head downstairs.

Chapter 23

Lana

It takes two full days, but on Sunday morning, I wake up thankfully feeling a little like myself again. Today, I’ve set everything Raph aside, grateful it’s a day I won’t have to see him. Instead I plan on being wholesome mom of the year. That will make things better.

By the time the girls meander down to the kitchen to the scent of pancakes and bacon, I’ve got the table set like Suzy Homemaker. I’m even wearing a frilly apron. With flowers on it.

“What’s wrong with you?” Nova asks.

“What do you mean?”

“You look crazy.”

“I’m smiling!”

“Exactly,” she says. “And you’re wearing that scary costume.”

I drop my smile, scowling now.

“There’s Mommy’s face!” Aurora says gleefully, throwing her arms around my waist.

I need to work on this.

“Can we go play on Gas-patch?” Aurora asks fifteen minutes later, after inhaling her third pancake.

Gas-patch is what we’ve dubbed the monstrous splash pad in the backyard. It started out as me complaining about the dead grass it’s going to leave enough times they started just referring to it as Grass Patch. But Aurora kept missing the ‘r’, and Raphael declared the name had to stay the way she says it because of how adorable it is.

Privately, I told Raph it sounds delightfully like ass-patch, which is the perfect name for someone who’d give something like that to the kids in place of keeping his promises.

“No comment,” was all Raphael had said, irritatingly not griping with me, but with a grin that said he at least agreed. I think.

I sigh, looking out at the inflatable island dominating the backyard. “Yes, you two can play. But first you’re talking to your father, remember?”

They both sag.

“Again?” Nova asks.

“Yes, again,” I say. “He wants to talk to you every Sunday now, remember?” This is a new thing that started after his visit. I suspect he feels threatened by Raph’s presence. But if a little touch of toxic masculinity is what it takes for him to be a better parent, I guess I should hand it a thank-you card.

“What about whatwewant?” Nova asks.

“Yeah!” Aurora agrees, looking longingly at Gas-patch.

I want badly to say, ‘your father’s not very good at considering what other people want.’ But instead I think of Raph’s “no comment” and take the high road. “Maybe we can talk to him about the schedule, too,” I say. “Come on, let’s tidy up before he calls.”

The girls moan, but with a little coaxing we get to work.

While I’m scraping scraps into the compost, I think about how Raph’s refusal to join in on my complaints about Mike irritated me at first. But I realize I’ve felt better about the way things are with my ex than I have in a long time. Maybe some of that is getting attention from Raph. But I think a bigger part is the influence of Raph’s personality. He doesn’t complain. Like, ever. He just lets things roll off his back and moves on. I honestly think he just doesn’t dedicate brain space to things that don’t suit him.

Maybe I can do that. Maybe I can think of Mike—dealwith Mike—and be completely serene. And… kind?

Who even am I?

Except when I start the call twenty minutes later, my newfound resolve is instantly tested.

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