Page 99 of Give & Take

Raph drops the book on the floor. He sets my wine glass aside and kneels down beside the tub. Then, without care for how he’s clothed and how water splashes all around him, he pulls me into his arms. He cups theback of my head with his broad hand and pulls me to him.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I’ve got you.”

I sob into this man’s shirt for the decisions I had to make this morning. For the pure terror of being so far between both of my girls. I breathe in the safety of him, falling apart in his arms. “I love them to inconceivable depths,” I whisper as I weep. It could be a line from one of the poems he read.

But that’s not all. I cry because there’s no way around it. I’m falling for the man holding me up. The man I can’t keep.

That’s enough to sober me, at least a little. I pull away, swiping at my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“No,” Raph says, grasping my face. “We’re not doing that.”

“I’m not good for you, Raph. I’m the definition of baggage. And you travel light.”

Raphael smiles at me so tenderly, with such warm golden heat all I can do is bathe in it. “We’re not doing that either.”

“I’m serious,” I say. “We can’t pretend this isn’t a problem.”

“You should try not being serious for a bit. I recommend it.”

“Raph!”

His smile drops. But his hands don’t. At least, they don’t move away from me. They slide down, cupping my neck, my shoulders.

“I used to think serious and me didn’t mix,” he says. “But everything changed the moment I laid eyes on you.”

“I bet you say that to all the girls.”

It falls flat; a poor attempt at humor.

“I’ve never said anything like that to any girl. I hardly recognize myself these days, Lana. Loving being at home more than being out. Picturing myself as a father.”

Those words do something hot and dangerous to my insides. To my heart.

“Raph,” I say, teetering on a razor’s edge. I grip the sides of the tub.

“Sorry,” he says. “I have a hard time not saying exactly what’s on my mind.”

I smile, though it’s shaky. “You have to stop doing that.”

Raph cups my cheek, pressing his thumb to the corner of my smile. “You stop. I like you frowning.”

“I’m having a hard time doing that around you,” I say.

“Then maybe you should just let yourself smile,” he says. “There’s no need to borrow worries from the future, Lana. We can just…enjoy each other, and take each day as it comes. There’s no point wasting what we have right now.”

Maybe he’s just saying that because it’s his philosophy on life. But the words are…liberating. He’s right, of course. We have right now. We clearly have something unbearably good between us, even if it’s just for the summer.

I smile again, and this one comes easy. Then it drops, and I lift myself up and out of the water.

Just a little.

Raph’s eyes drop, his eyes darkening.

I follow his gaze.

The tops of my breasts are fully out of the water. Shiny-wet, laced with bubbles.

“Lana,” he says. His voice is a low rumble.

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