Page 106 of Over & Out

After our toast at midnight, Jess wakes up in tears. I offer to get her, but Dolly refuses to let me. Just like she refused to let me drive home. “I’ve got a perfectly good guest bedroom here and there are spare pj’s in the drawers. Stay and hang out with us as long as you want tomorrow.” Her southern hospitality brooks no argument, and she’s gone to look after the baby in the time I’d need to refuse anyway.

Once she’s gone, I find myself suddenly exhausted, so I take her up on the offer. When I’m in the cozy loaner flannel pajamas and tucked into the fluffy spare bed with its handmade quilt, I think of what it would be like to lose the one you love permanently, like Dolly did.

I’m so overcome, I pull out my phone. I see that just before midnight, Hopper sent me a picture.

It’s him at Redbeard beach, at the log we sat on before Christmas. Just his hands, in front of the view of the ocean, a peeled mandarin in his palm.

I suddenly remember Cindi rolling her eyes at thebowls of them all around the house. I don’t think it was her buying them.

My chest clenches.

I hesitate, then type.

CHRIS: Happy New Year, Hopper. Over.

Three dots pop up almost immediately, like he was holding his phone. Like his heart aches like mine. I’m sure it does—worse, because of his father. The dots stay like that for a long time.

Then they disappear.

A moment later, they’re back.

HOPPER: Happy New Year, bangles. I love you. Over.

HOPPER: So fucking much. Over.

I touch the words, the lines blurring through tears.

“I love you too, Dirtface,” I whisper.

CHRIS: Good night, Hopper. Over & Out.

That night I dream about Dirtface. In the dream, he picks me up and calls me sweetheart. And, of course, when I pull off his helmet, it’s Hopper.I’m so relieved I’m angry.Why didn’t you tell me?I demand between kisses.

I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. The signs were there. Maybe I wanted it to be him. Maybe I fell forhim before he was Hopper, just like I fell for the Duke. Maybe a lot of things.

I wake too early, my heart still aching as I remember that dream. Heavy as lead with everything that’s happened and knowing what I need to do. Dolly and Jess aren’t up. I remember Shelby saying her daughter loves waking up for several hours in the night and then sleeping in like a diva in the morning. Dolly told me to feel free to make the coffee if I was up first, so I head to the kitchen. But even though it’s not my house, I get another gut punch doing it. Hopper’s prided himself on being the coffee-maker at my place these past few weeks. I know that at home, his writing’s still on this note stuck to the can, noting the measurements I told him the first night he stayed there. The man had never made a pot of coffee on his own before. I’d laughed when he told me that, thinking he was joking, but my smile had dropped when I’d seen his embarrassed expression. He’d missed out on the simplest things the way his life had gone.

I make myself wait until nine a.m. before picking up the phone.

Tru answers on the third ring. “Hey, Chris.”Her voice sounds resigned, like she knows what’s coming.

“Are you busy? I mean, I know you’re busy. You have a newborn?—”

“I’m not busy,” she says. “Kevin has the baby.” Her voice is kind but not questioning. She knows something’s up.

I swallow. I knew this was going to be hard. But not this hard. My stomach churns, but I press on.

“I…I’m calling to tell you I’m putting in my notice. I’m going to figure out a replacement for you so you don’t have to do anything. I have some ideas, and I think Cindi can help out with some things. She’s perfectly capable of yelling at Hopper?—”

I prattle on until I realize I haven’t taken a breath or given Tru a chance to say anything.

I wince, holding the phone so tightly it etches lines into my hand. “I’m sorry, Tru. I didn’t want to let you down.” I feel like a failure.

“Chris,” Tru says. “Are you done?”

I blink. “I think so? I’m going to keep working and?—”

“No, you’re not. Hopper called me yesterday. Said I would probably get this call, though it’s a bit earlier than I expected.”

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