Page 17 of Kill Your Darlings

Going to try…

Not that pretentious kid, surely?Hecan’tbe the reason.

I had a million questions, of course.A million objections.But pride held me silent—also the fear that I wouldn’t be able to hang onto my composure if he started detailing the whys.

After a moment, he said with uncharacteristic somberness, “That’s not the only thing I need to talk to you about.”

I took a couple of strokes to the side of the pool.I could smell his freshly showered scent over the pool smells.“No?Okay.If you’re concerned with the merger—”

Finn cut me off.“No.I’m not concerned with the merger.I had a meeting with Lila yesterday when I got in.”

“Lila?”I repeated, like there were so many Lilas, I wasn’t sure which one he meant.

“She wanted to know if I was happy working with you, whether I felt my interests were a priority for you, whether, given how long we’ve worked together, I felt you were still pushing me, still challenging me.”

I was so stunned I couldn’t speak.Stunned and, yes, alarmed, because if W&W—if Lila—was, in essence, asking my authors for a performance evaluation, then my future with the company was definitely undetermined.

When I didn’t—couldn’t—speak, Finn said, “I know I owe my success to you, and that’s what I told her.Her point was only that it’s very common, even healthy, for authors to shift editorial relationships over time.”

I found my voice, said harshly, “No, you don’t.You don’t owe your success to anyone or anything but your own talent and effort.Am I proud of the work we’ve done together?Hell, yes.But you don’t owe me anything.”

It was probably more heated than necessary.

Even if I’d had my contacts in, it would probably have been impossible to read his expression behind the dark Ray-Bans.After a couple of heartbeats, he said unemotionally, “Right.Well, to that point, Lila asked if I’d be willing to consider working with another editor.Just to see what might evolve, creatively.”He shrugged.“Someone with a new perspective, a different set of experiences, could bring something fresh to the partnership.”

I stared at him, stared and realized what his expression meant.I sucked in a breath, a sound so naked, so raw, there was no hiding it.

Finn’s face changed.For a perceptive guy—well, we all have our blind spots.

“You said yes.”The words came out shocked and breathless.

There wasn’t any pretending; it was obvious how I felt, and Finn sounded a little winded too as he said, “I thought it might be easier for both of us.”

I couldn’t say anything.I stared at him.My heart was pounding so hard I thought I might be having a heart attack.I could barely find the strength to keep treading water.

But as he stared back at me, something flickered in his face.His mouth curved into another of those odd, sardonic smiles.

“Losing the books hurts.Not the other,” he observed.

“Itallhurts,” I flung at him.“I can survive losing…the other.Losing the books, losing you off my list, means myjob.”

He looked shocked, but then protested, “Come on.You have plenty of authors making good money for Millbrook—”

“They’re trying to get rid of me!”

And if that didn’t sound totally paranoid, I don’t know what would.In my defense, I was dealing with a lot that morning.

Finn was trying to be reasonable in the face of my borderline hysteria.“Come on, Keir.What sense would that make?Lila spoke very highly of you during our meeting.”

I dunked below the water, counted to five, surfaced, shaking the water and tears from my eyes.“I’ve had a meeting, too.With Lila and Vaughn.Where they discussed dividing my list between Lila and myself.They already think I’m overpaid—I currently earn more than Lila, per Lila—and that I’ve been running my little kingdom without any oversight for way too long.”

Finn’s expression hardened.The line of his mouth was grim and straight.“Okay.I didn’t know that.I’ll tell her no.I’ll tell her the truth.I’m good where I am.”

But now I was almost beside myself with hurt and anger and bitterness.

“No.You know what, Phineas, you’re right.Itwillbe easier on both of us.And it probablyistime for you to spread your fucking wings.We’ve been working together so long I’m probably not challenging you enough, probably not pushing for your…yourcreative evolutionthe way I should.”I had to stop for breath.“And if Lila getsyou, maybe she’ll leave me and the rest of my list alone.”

He was stone-still, as if he was seeing me for the first time.As if he was seeing a stranger.

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