Page 56 of Kill Your Darlings

He added quietly, “And I do care about you.I— A lot.”

I swallowed.Said nothing.

“But obviously, I had to wonder,if he can trust me in bed, why not with this?What kind of trauma makes someone that good at avoiding the truth?”

I mimicked, “Is it pain or is it guilt?”

He said evenly, “That’s right, Keiran.Exactly.I don’t know what you’re keeping from me, but there’s something.And it doesn’t take a detective to know it has to do with your past, your father, and Steeple Hill.”

“And so, you decided you didn’t want to be involved with me after all.”

After a moment, Finn said quietly, “Yeah.”

I was silent, listening to the hard, anxious pound of my heart in my ears.I said finally, “I understand.I don’t blame you.You could have told me you’d changed your mind before we got here, that’s all.”I shrugged.

“That’s all?That’s it?That’s all you have to say?”

Not anger.Sadness.His bright gaze held mine.Never wavered.

I swallowed, and my mouth was so dry, my throat squeaked.

I said, “Okay.The truth is, Idon’tunderstand, Finn.It feels unjust.Because you knew all that—or knew that you didn’t know—when we agreed…when we agreed…” Words were my thing, but it was very hard to get these out.

Finn watched my struggle, admitted, “When I learned your father had died the week before we were together… It’s hard to explain, but I had to face the fact that I reallydon’tknow you.That you don’t want me to know you.And that was probably never going to change.”

“You don’t think it’s unfair to judge me by your relationships with your family?”

He frowned.

“You’re close to your parents, to your kid.Hell, you’re close to your ex.I didn’t—don’t have those relationships.I was close to my grandparents.But they died a long time ago.It’s not like I-Ican’t-can’t love someone.”

His face twisted as though that hurt him.He said quickly, “I know that.I’m not saying that.”

I drew a hard breath.“Yes.You’re right.My father was…”

“Abusive.”

I stared at Finn.Nodded.“Yes.He was.”

Unpredictable.Violent.Sadistic.He’d have denied, disagreed with all of that.He’d have said he had a bad temper.Thathe openly admitted.

You know I’ve got a temper.Why do you deliberately push me?

I’m not sure why it seemed important, but I wanted to know.“How did you find out I came back to California for his funeral?”

“I ran into Mindy Newburgh at the L.A.Times Festival of Books.She mentioned it.I think she’d heard it from Lila.”

I said indignantly, “What the hell does Mindy know about it?Why the hell would you be discussing me with her?”

Finn reddened.“I wasn’t discussing you.But our friendship isn’t a secret.Mindy was venting.I guess Lila had discussed the possibility of moving her to your list once the merger is complete.”

“That’s news to me.”Not great news, either.

“She said you’d worked together in the past and she felt that you didn’t understand her.Didn’t get her creative vision.Believe me, I didn’t encourage her.She did all the talking.”

“And based on that, you decided to cut me off.Without a word.”

His green eyes darkened with emotion.“You’re right.That was gutless.At the time, I figured you wouldn’t want to talk about it.It’s not like I haven’t tried many times to talk to you about how I felt.You’re very good at politely shutting down a conversation you don’t want to have.”

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