Page 27 of Trusting Skulls

“I think you target men you know will use you.”

“I don’ttargetmen, and why would I do that?”

He leans back, taking in the view. “Because then you won’t feel as bad for using them.”

“I’m not using them.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“You’re wrong.”

When he remains quiet, I get angry. “I let them use me. I’m not getting anything from them.”

“But you are, or you wouldn’t be doing it.”

“They get off, not me!” I shout, not even thinking about what I’m saying.

His silence infuriates me further.

“I don’t care what you think of me. It’s simple. It’s just sex. It doesn’t mean a goddamn thing.” I jump to my feet, screaming at him. “I get bored, okay? It’s something to do!” I start to walk down a path that leads from the cabin, still yelling. “There’s nothing to psychoanalyze. My parents don’t care, and neither should you!”

I stumble, making me even more upset.

“I’m just stupid,” I mumble quietly to myself as I continue to walk away from him.

He follows. Jesus Christ, why can’t they just leave me alone?

“Go away.”

“I think …” he begins to say.

I stop abruptly, spinning on him. “Again with the thinking. Well, I think you’re wasting your time on me.”

“So, let me get this straight. You think you’re a waste of time unless you’re being fucked?” he asks calmly.

A little puff of air leaves my lungs as I struggle to hide my anger and shame. He’s purposely pushed me to my boiling point.

He sits down, leaning against a tree. “It feels good to have someone want you. Especially when you’re starving for connection. But when you keep letting people take a piece of you without leaving something in return, it eventually leaves you empty again. So, you reach for other things to fill the void. Drugs, alcohol.”

His hand runs through his hair. “What initially felt good begins to feel wrong. You start to dissociate, staring at the wall while some dude rails you from behind. And I don’t mean you. I’m talking about myself here.”

The way his voice cracks has me lowering myself to the ground to stare at him from across the path. The longing that’s always lodged in the pit of my stomach eases. His words dig deep with a shared familiarity that embeds itself in my heart. My soul takesa heavy breath, filling the emptiness of the dark cavernous space in my chest.

His face softens in relief. He knows he’s finally got my attention. Not that I hadn’t been listening, I just refused to hear.

He’s just told me something so intimate, so incredibly personal, so real …

“Soon it becomes your whole persona. It’s how the world views you. You begin to think it’s the only thing you’re good for. The shame begins to eat at your soul, and you try to escape it by owning your promiscuity. Because no one can think more badly of you than you. Eventually the connection you were initially looking for begins to fade into something unrecognizable, and you’re left wondering how it all began.”

Tears begin to fill my eyes, letting him know I not only understand but feel every word he’s saying.

“I promise you it’s not too late, Lexie. You’re not tarnished.”

I swipe at my eyes. “I don’t want Ash to be embarrassed by my past.”

He doesn’t argue with me. “I felt the same way with my wife, but I came to realize that I was the one projecting embarrassment onto her. Rachel accepted me without shame. Over time, I grasped that I could do the same.” His gaze narrows on me. “You have to let go of the shame, Lexie.”

“You act like I can just stop.”

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