Page 110 of His Lucky Blessing

“Yes ma’am.”

“Stop by and get an appointment. Take care of yourself.”

My day was busy. After therapy, I had enough time to grab something to eat before I went to my next appointment with the adoption agency. Perc wanted to accompany me, but I felt like I needed to do this alone. Him being with me was only going to make me feel worse. He never brought up the fact of me being pregnant from another nigga. This was the most attentive he had been since we started fucking with each other. We hadn’t argued or anything since I had been back home. I had changed for the better too and I think that helped. I no longer had a social media page and when I did decide to come back, it wasn’t going to be on no IG model shit.

I sat in my car for a minute before getting out of the car wiping my eyes. Pulling the glass door open, I made my way to the desk to let them know I was here for my appointment. I was now a little over five months. Perc knew what I was having but I didn’t want to know. I never paid attention at the doctor’s office. Perc hated it but I didn’t give a fuck. I took a seat and waited for them to call my name. This was my second meeting, and they were about to talk to me about the expectation of me after the birth of the baby.

“You been there for me, so I decided to bring my ass out of the house to support you.”

I looked up to see Blessyn standing over me. My face turned red because I hadn’t talked to her about adoption. I was still hiding it from her, so she had to get this information from Perc. Since she miscarried two weeks ago, I made sure I was there to support her.

“How did you know I was here?”

“Perc was at the house, and I overheard him telling Lucky, so I imposed and he told me you were here. Why do you feel like you couldn’t talk to me about this?”

“Because you are judgmental as fuck. You may don’t think you are, but you are. I didn’t need you telling me that it wasn’t a good idea. You don’t know how I feel about it.”

Blessyn reached out for my hand and squeezed it. We didn’t say anything else to one another. They called my name ten minutes later and Blessyn walked with me to the back.

“I’m only here to support. I have nothing to say. I’m with whatever you with. You went through something traumatic, and I can’t tell you what to do with your baby. Just know as your big sister, I support your decision.”

“Thank you,” I flashed her a weak smiled.

So far, I had two families looking for a newborn baby. All I wanted was a better opportunity for my child. Someone to love them like I would if I didn’t make a bad decision. Both families looked like they would be great. I placed the pictures back down on the table and listen to what the lady was saying. Honestly, I was sitting here but I wasn’t listening. Blessyn was into it more than me. My palms were sweating and my chest was tight as fuck. The meeting was over before I was able to pass out.

“Are you okay?” Blessyn wiped my forehead.

“I’m sick. I really need to rest.”

“Will you be able to drive?”

“Yeah, I should be fine. It’s only about a ten-minute drive.”

Blessyn waited until I pulled off before she went to get in her car. I wasn’t good and I knew it. This was taking everything out of me, and I was about to break the fuck down, but I didn’t want to tell anyone. I didn’t want to appear weak when all this shit was my fault. The support that everyone was giving me was out of sympathy. I knew they wanted to tell me how fucking stupid I was to take my ass to Cali with a nigga I barely knew outside ofthe bedroom. I knew all this shit because I beat myself about it all the time.

I pulled up to my house and rushed into the house to throw up. Every night that I went to sleep, I envisioned Jaydee. His name came to me when I deleted my Instagram. All our DMs were still in place and I knew everything that happened that night. The party, the drugs, and me trying to run away from him to get to safety. I was fucked up and was too afraid to say anything about it. Perc was paying for counseling sessions that were supposed to be helping but it was only starting to pull out emotions in me that I didn’t want to deal with.

“Merci!” I called out. Her car was out front, but she wasn’t in her usual spot on the sofa eating snacks. I threw my keys on the table headed towards our bedroom. “Baby, where you at?”

The bed was made up and her shoes were right outside of the bathroom door. I walked in to see her sitting with her back up against the Jacuzzi tub. She wouldn’t look up at me even though she knew I was standing there. I was patient with her since she came home. Making sure not to rush her to show me love or anything. Merci was distant and I understood why. When a nigga touches you in an inappropriate way, it fucks with your mind.

“Wassup with you?” I took a seat next to her and pulled her into me.

“I’ve been sitting here for hours trying my best to talk myself out of killing myself.”

“What the fuck you wanna do that for?”

“Just let me talk so I can get this out.”

I got up and went to go get me something to smoke. The bathroom was big enough for me to be on one end and her on the other. I put the lid down on the toilet and rested my elbows on my knees. “I’m listening,” I blew my smoke out.

“I’m ashamed of myself and no one understands it’s hard for me to look at myself in the mirror. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’m not as confident as I once was. This is the hardest battle I’ve ever been in, and I feel that you hate me. The only reason you’re with me is because you feel bad. I may be wrong but that doesn’t stop me from feeling this way. It’s like I’m all alone and you won’t even touch me.”

“You finish?” She nodded. “It ain’t that I don’t wanna touch you, but you act like you don’t want me to. It does fuck with me sometimes thinking ‘bout you being with another nigga and then me laying up with you. That doesn’t mean a nigga don’t love you. I’m letting you heal from this. All the while loving you. Remember something very important though, I love you more than I hate you. What a nigga gotta do to get yo confidence back ‘cause after this baby, I need you to hold yo head the fuck up. This shit will be over soon and there’s no need to keep beating yourself up about it.”

“I don’t know what to do. The bigger my stomach gets the more I hope I fall down the stairs.”

“You speaking too much negative shit. You gotta stop it. Get the fuck up and go pack a bag. We ‘bout to go off somewhere. You being in this house is fuckin’ up yo head.”

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