Page 40 of Ghost

We approached each exhibit with caution and space. Never getting close enough to reach the animals, just to observe them.

We explored the flamingos, the tortoises, the birds. All from a safe distance. When we came upon the rhino, I wholeheartedly agreed with Dani’s assessment that we could look without touching.

Those huge beasts are freaking scary!

Dani still trembled when the lions roared, but she also smiled at the giraffes and the way they moved.

Walking up to the gorilla enclosure, I wasn’t sure how she would react. We were separated from the enormous ape by a thick wall of Plexiglas, and Dani surprised me when she pulled my hand and walked closer.

A huge gorilla with the largest nipples I had ever seen, and that humans were said to have evolved from, sat leaning against the glass with her baby.

I had to admit it was one of the most precious sights I had ever experienced in the animal kingdom. We see puppies and kittens all the time, and while they are no doubt adorable, seeing this tiny monkey that would one day grow up to be the size of a vending machine was pretty awe-inspiring.

The infant lay in its mama’s arms, sleeping. Crouching down to Dani’s level, I pointed at the baby.

“Baby,” I said, making sure Dani understood which animal I meant. Then pressed a hand to her chest and again said, “Baby.”

I did this often with words, hoping she would begin to use them. I said it a third time, using my hands. “Baby.”

When she pointed to the larger gorilla, she looked at me.

“Mama,” I said, my hand pressed to the glass where the gorilla lay crowded against it. I then made the appropriate sign with my hands and repeated, “Mama.”

Dani laid her tiny hand against my chest and looked up at me. My emotions caught in my throat like a lump of clay, when she uttered her first word.

“Mama.”

My nose burned with the tears that formed behind my eyes.

I knew I should correct her. I wasn’t her mom.

Aren’t you, though?

I had the paperwork that said I was.

Danny and Dante had entrusted their most precious gift into my care while they were off doing God knows what. My selfish mind told me the only thought they gave to their daughter was a single text in the evening asking if she was ok.

They didn’t ask about how she was emotionally, or mentally. They didn’t ask about any new things she might be doing. Milestones she had surpassed.

Just assurance that she was safe.

And she was.

With me.

But my heart knew better. I knew they loved her. I knew they believed that whatever they were doing was imperative to keep her safe.

Just like Gunner.

And just like Gunner, they were wrong.

Smiling at Dani, I placed my hand over hers and repeated, “Mama.”

I refused to feel guilty. Every evening, as part of her bedtime routine, I showed Dani pictures of her with her fathers and did the same thing. Repeating the word ‘Papa,’ hoping she would learn the word before they came home.

That single word had the power to break me.

Children were resilient. When Danny and Dante returned to retrieve their daughter, they would take her home.

---