Page 77 of There's a Way

“I never thought I wanted kids. I mean, I’m gay, so it wasn’t likely the subject was going to come up, but still. I was relieved about the fact I wasn’t likely to just accidentally end up with kids.”

I stopped talking to figure out how to say what came next, and he asked, “And this has changed?”

“I mean, I don’t want themnow, but I can see a time in the future that I might. I never wanted to bring a fucked-up child into the world, and based on my parents, and on my lifestyle, I guess I thought it was good I wasn’t going to do that. But now, after having met my grandparents? Maybe my genes aren’t so totally fucked up.”

And something else I hadn’t talked to Dr. Woods about. “I think it’s possible Carlos chose me because I told him I didn’t intend to ever try drugs. Not even once. Nothing stronger than alcohol, and even with alcohol, I didn’t want enough to get drunk. My parents were addicts, so I figured it was best I never stepped onto the train that might take me there.”

“You’ve never been drunk?”

I shook my head. “I drank beer before I came to the conclusion I shouldn’t. But the thing is, I never had a chance toget drunk, back when I started drinking beer. I’d only have one or two cans available, enough to get a buzz, but…” I shrugged.

“Why do you think this appealed to Carlos?”

“Because I was around his supplies all the time, his inventory — accepting shipments, handing it out to his dealers, counting and weighing, and of course, muling for him. I was safe around all that product since I wasn’t interested in using it.”

“How does this alter your view of the relationship you had with him?”

I shook my head because I didn’t really know the answer, but I knew from experience I had to say something or Dr. Woods would just keep asking the same question in different ways.

“I guess I already knew he found someone he could take home and turn into a slave. He didn’t fall in love with me, he just saw someone he could mold into the kind of slave he wanted. Would he have taken me home if he’d been able to get me drunk? Or if I’d have snorted the cocaine he offered? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, I guess.”

“Except for that fate thing?” He asked. “Something else you can blame on your parents? If you hadn’t been scared of becoming addicted, would you have been invited to go home with him?”

I met his gaze. “Okay, and I know this is fucked up, but I had to figure out who I am eventually, right? Someone was going to turn me into a slave, and who’s to say the next person who came along and saw thatneedinside me might’ve been worse? The thing is, I realized while I was in Alaska — Ilikewho I am right now, and I love my life. If my grandparents had swooped in and rescued me, they’d have taken me to bumfuck Alaska, and I’d probably still be there. Maybe I’d love my life because I didn’t know what else was out there, or maybe I’d hate it because I doubt there are that many gay guys living up there, and it’s doubtful there are many gay Doms, much less true Masters.”

We talked the full hour, and I had more to say when it was over, which isn’t the way my time with him usually goes, but I walked away from the appointment realizing I needed a conversation outside of power-exchange with Will and Micca.

Chapter 35

Micca

I spent the night in the woods as my bear, and then had breakfast with Matty. He doesn’t do carbs, but they have frozen waffles you just have to pop into the toaster oven, so I had fried eggs, sausage, and waffles, while Matty just had the eggs and sausage.

I told him about Alaska, minus the Jupiter part because I had no idea whether he knew about more than basic shifters and vampires, and he caught me up on the latest clubhouse drama. Nothing big happening with the ol’ladies, but there was lots of tea about the sweetbutts that eventually led to a cat-fight between two of them, and they were both belted in front of everyone, and then the main instigator was given a two-week vacation. If she wanted to return, she had to submit to another initiation night, where she was bound to a fucking station in the basement so the bikers could run a train on her. Or rather, several trains, since she’d be there at least ten or twelve hours.

“Do you think she’ll come back?”

Matty shrugged. “Probably. Maybe. It seemed unfair that they both got belted, but I guess they’re expected to let the bikers handle problems.” He looked at the clock and back to me. “We need a night to catch up because I need to get to work.”

“I know. Will wants me to invite you to the Beast Castle, but I don’t think he understands we just need time to ourselves. I do want you to come see us, you and Razor, more often, but…”I met his gaze. “I love him, and I kind of want to move in with them permanently, but I like being able to come here and be with you.”

“You don’t have to choose between us. If you move out, you’ll always be able to stay in our guest room. I mean, it’s nice when I can spend the night with you at your place, so we know Razor can’t hear us, but he stays out late a whole lot, so you can still come here and we’ll have the place to ourselves if we plan it for when he has to do a night patrol or a late shift at one of their businesses.”

But it might be awkward to just come sleep in the woods if I didn’t have access to my place.

“Would he rent my place out to someone else, if I move out? I mean, he spent a lot of money making me an apartment, it seems wrong for me to just stop paying rent.”

“I’m guessing he’d offer it to members who don’t own a house. Probably not prospects. Do you want me to talk to him about it?”

I shook my head. “No. Yes.Fuck, now that we’ve talked about it, you kind of have to.” Because he doesn’t keep secrets from Razor, and that’s how it should be. “When you do, just let him know I’m not turning in a notice or anything, I’m just considering the possibilities for later. Also, you have to text me right away and tell me what he says.”

Razor and I have an agreement that neither of us will ever ask Matty to keep a secret from the other. There are a few exceptions, like MC-specific stuff that isn’t personal, and surprise gifts, but I like and trust Razor, so it wasn’t a problem on my end, and I got the feeling Razor felt the same. He didn’t want to put Matty in a difficult position, and neither did I.

I helped Matty with the dishes, and we both left for our respective jobs after a nice long hug.

First day back after having time off for the Alaska trip, and it felt good. I was in the lab all day, which meant a white lab coat over my black clothes, and I lost myself in numbers and data. The most interesting trail I followed all day was comparing the dirt on someone’s shoe to samples of soil Tyler brought me from two dozen locations. I started with some tests and the microscope to narrow it down, but ended up using the mass spectrometer to give them a definitive answer. I worked over because the lab was so behind. Nathan came in at seven, when I’d been there ten hours, and asked me what I’d eaten today while handing me a bag with burgers and fries from the cafeteria.

“I had a big breakfast with Matty this morning, eight eggs and nearly a pound of sausage with a huge stack of waffles on the side.” I shrugged. “I’ve had a few Twix bars for breaks, and a bunch of protein bars while I waited for test results. I guess I’ve lost track of how many.”

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