Page 126 of Wanting What's Wrong

“Cade, I…”

“Baby, I didn’t mean for you to read that. I was going to throw it in the fire. It was just something Mom told me to do, to get everything out in the open with your mother,and—”

“My mom,” she says, nodding. “The letter says you’re going to tell me how things were between you. What does that mean?”

I draw a breath.Jesus.

I didn’t want to do it like this. I was going to take her somewhere peaceful, have everything planned but it’s time to fucking punt.

I kneel and take her hands. I know she wants this as much as I do, but if she feels guilty or that she’s betraying her mother, she’ll run.

“Baby, I have to tell you something your mom made me promise never to tell you. She said it would break your heart, that you were too sensitive to understand.”

“You loved each other,” she says with tears in her eyes. I can feel her pulling away from me, and I squeeze her hands hard.

I shake my head. Then nod. “We loved each other, but we weren’tin lovewith each other. Your mom was a good friend who turned into a best friend.”

“What about Davis? He’s your best friend you said.” She frowns.

I chuckle. “Yes, her and Davis. But in different ways. But I wasn’t in love with her any more than I’m in love with him. Our whole marriage…” I draw a breath, hating myself for shattering her illusions about love and happiness but hoping I can help her build new ones. “Our whole marriage was a legally binding agreement, with clauses and conditions. We laid everything out in a contract up front and we both signed it.” I hold up a hand and count off the most important ones on my fingers. “No sleeping together. No sharing a bed. Kisses are to be no more than a peck. Hugging only in public, for the sake of the cameras.”

“What about me?” She narrows her eyes. “Was I in that contract?”

“You were the best thing about that marriage,” I tell her. “Getting to know you made me a better person. And when yourmom died, I promised to keep you safe and never to ruin your idea of what love could be. But I can’t do it any longer, because I loveyou. I’m in love with you. And to have you in my life, I have to tell you the truth; otherwise, you’ll never forgive yourself.”

“I… I don’t know what to say. It was all a sham?”

I shake my head. “Our marriage wasn’t real, but our friendship was. Your mom knew I loved you, and that I’d take care of you. She just didn’t know what form that would take.”

“Do you think she’d be happy for us?”

I hesitate. I can’t lie to Lennie, not about that.

But with the letter quietly turning to ash, I hear Lilith’s voice. Something she said to me on our wedding day, when we had everyone fooled and we went back to our separate, adjoining rooms in the hotel.

You’re the only man in my life I trust. You know that? I trust you, Cade Jamison. You’re a better man than you know.

“She would,” I say, and it’s true. “All she wanted was for you to be happy. All the fame, all the money, even our marriage, it was to give you the life she wanted you to have. Flawed as she was, she loved you, Lennie. Your happiness is her happiness. Are you happy?”

“Yes… I…” She grins, blinking away tears, then her lips curve down into a frown. “There’s something I need to tell you, and I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me. But I can’t keep this lie going. I can’t. It’s—”

I pull her into my chest. “Baby, there’s nothing you could do that I wouldn’t forgive.”

“Yes, there is.”

“No. Whatever it is, tell me or don’t, I forgive you.”

She shakes her head, palms pressing on my sternum. “No. You don’t understand. It’s worse than anything you can imagine. It’s—I’ve tried so many times to tell you but I can’t make myself do it.” She shivers, tears soaking her cheeks as I thumb them away as fast as they come each one breaking my heart.

“The fire?” I say on an exhale the hint of burning paper in the air.

Her eyes go wide, she steps back, the soft tears replaced by a choking sob.

“Lennie, don’t. Don’t cry…I’ll do any-fucking-thing to not hear you cry baby.”

“You know what I did? How can you even look at me?”

I tug her forward, lips to her forehead, drawing in the essence that is this sweet gift.

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