Page 94 of Feral Creed

I feel like… I feel like I spent my whole life thinking about everybody except me, and right when I got the chance to think about myself, it was snatched away from me by this scent match that demanded I put the pack ahead of myself.

It’s not that I’m selfish, I swear.

It’s only that…

Maybe I am selfish. But why is that other people get to be selfish, and they don’t have to share a woman with three other men? Why is it that when they say they don’t want to share their woman, no one evencallsthem selfish?

So, am I selfish?

Before I tell the pack, I talk to Maggie on the phone, and we’re in utter agreement about everything.

“It’s impossible,” she says, “no matter what anyone says, for it ever to be anything other than a mess. I don’t think one woman can love four men equally without having a favorite.”

“She doesn’t have a favorite,” I say. “It’s not like that.” But then I think about it. I think it might be Knight. Or maybe Striker. Definitely not Arrow, that’s pretty obvious.

But oddly, later, when I tell them, she’s sitting in Arrow’s lap, and they’re apparently on some mission together to the fucking Polloi compound, so who knows.

I’m not her favorite, that’s for sure. On the other hand, I did pull away recently. I did fuck another woman. So… what did I expect?

“Well, maybe not yet,” says Maggie. “But you know how it goes. Maybe at the beginning, everyone feels on equal footing and there’s always a lot of sex. But the minute she gets knocked up, and it’s by one of the guys, and everyone always knows, it changes everything.”

“Yeah,” I mutter, because I do know. I’ve seen packs where all of the children were fathered by one of the alphas, and where he controlled access to the omega, treating her territorially. I’ve seen packs where the alphas know which kids are theirs biologically, and they treat the kids that aren’t theirs badly. I’ve seen packs where the alphas are so jealous of each other they beat each other bloody. I’ve seen all sorts of things.

“I never wanted it for you, Cal,” says Maggie. “I want for you what I have with Kim. To have your person, someone who can unequivocally put you first, not put you and four other people first, especially when all four of you have radically different ideas.”

“It’s not what I wanted for myself either,” I say.

Maggie gives me her support, though, which is a good thing. I don’t know how it even works, really. In the Polloi, you didn’t leave after biting an omega, so I don’t know how it is I think I’m going to pull it off. We all feel each other in this bond of ours. We are a scent match.

Who do I think I am?

I haven’t thought it all through when I come out with it.

We’re in the middle of one of our fights, which have been happening with increasing regularity. It reminds me of that time, before we all went feral for the second time, before Lotus demanded that the others bite her, when we were all at odds, and I wondered how this pack could even work.

These arguments often end up with Striker barking all of us down, telling us to go and cool down. In rare cases, Lotus has intervened. Once I thought Knight was going to punch someone, and she got cold and regal and formal, and he whined and submitted to her.

I don’t know what we’re arguing about. Five things.

Striker wants to start some YouTube channel doing sermons. Lotus and Arrow want to take up the mantel of the Polloi, who are so very oppressed or whatever, and Knight is arguing with everyone.

I just say it. “I’m thinking about leaving the pack.”

And they all get quiet and look at me.

Lotus gives me a small, sad smile. “I thought it might come to that, Calix. I don’t want to lose you, but I want you to be happy. I’ve felt you… in the bond… is it Tammy?”

Well, I guess I knew everyone probably knew, too. I guess I wondered why no one was saying anything. I thought they must have felt me in the bond. We all feel each other’s sexual arousal. Not always, but often. “It doesn’t matter who it is,” I say.

“Hey,” says Lotus, “I’m jealous, like jealous as all hell, and I hate her, but…” She lifts her shoulders. “I wouldn’t do anything about that. I love you, Calix. I want you to be happy more than I want you all to myself.”

I’m not sure how I feel about that. It should feel good, but it feels like rejection. I want to say that the sex with Tammy is better than what I’ve had with Lotus, but they’ve felt it inthe bond. They’d know it was a lie. The sex is… pedestrian. It’s nothing like what we have together, but…

“Why?” growls Knight.

I look at him.

“No,” says Lotus to him, firm. “We don’t need to be like that with him.”

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