Page 38 of Unseen

I narrowed my eyes. “I would prefer to have marital relations over and done with. You have your whore to fuck slowly. She at least seems to enjoy whatever depravity you force on her.”

“She does.” He stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers, and I jerked my head out of his reach. “Now, unlessyou want me to fuck you like that again, you should go back to your room.”

I stumbled away from him. “I’ve no clothes, thanks to you.”

“No one will see you.” His self-satisfied smirk was maddening.

I pulled the sheet tightly around my body, and ran for the door before he tried to seize me again. It slammed behind me, and I panicked that the servants would hear it. I ran barefoot down the stairs and hallways, back to my room.

I paused inside the door, trying to calm the thundering of blood in my ears and hear if Mary was awake. But all was quiet. I crossed the room to the dresser, and tore open the lower drawer. Inside, within a small velvet satchel, was the small pewter syringe, and a box of baking soda.

I crept as slowly as my panicked body could manage to the bathroom, and filled the syringe with water. With shaking hands, I shook a small spoonful of baking soda into the water, placing the cap on and shaking it all gently.

I winced as I inserted the syringe inside me, and pressed down on the handle. I let out a small sigh of relief as Azriel’s spend was rinsed from me, as I was cleansed of his filth and violence. He could violate me, he could make me a prisoner, but he would not force a child upon me. Just as his father had failed to do.

I crept through the darkness of my room, and found my nightgown. I slipped it on over my head, already feeling the marks and bruises he’d left behind, the soreness between my legs. As I stared at the canopy over my bed, I wondered - how was I going to explain any of this to Mary?

And what in God’s name was I going to say to my family?

12

PLEASURE IS THE WAY TO MADNESS

Light flooded my bedroom, and Mary’s cheery voice was saying something about a wonderful morning and a lovely day, and all I wanted to do was cry or scream. I wanted to rage that it was anything but a lovely day. I was so exhausted that all I wanted to do was roll over and go straight back to sleep. At least in dreams I was not here, not in this dreaded reality.

Mary’s joy instantly dissolved as her eyes landed on me. “Madam?” She stepped closer, dipping her head as though to inspect an unexpected creature in my bed. “Madam? Is everything alright?”

I sat up, rubbing my eyes and nodding weakly. “Yes, everything is perfect.”

“Whatever happened to you?” Mary sat at the edge of my bed, brows pulled down as she peered at my face. “Your neck, it’s all red. Are you ill?”

“No, Mary, I’m not ill.” I was merely covered in all the marks of Azriel’s possession. “I’m… I simply…” On nothing but sheer instinct, I reached out to take her hand, clutching it tightly, as though she was an anchor to my former life. My former self. The person I’d been before Azriel had violated me and stolen the last shred of my dignity from me. “Something has happened, and I need you to understand that if you feel compelled to leave my service, I would not blame you. I would not be angry.”

Mary’s fingers wrapped more tightly around mine, and she leaned closer, her brow drawn down and her eyes filled with worry. “Madam, nothing could make me leave you. What are you saying?”

I took a deep breath, my chest tight and threatening to constrict the release of any words at all. I knew they had to come, I had to say it out loud. It was all becoming too real now, and I surely could not fight this any longer.

But as I looked back into her face, I could not bring myself to utter those words. Admitting to it, in the face of this sweet girl who was so concerned for me… I could not do it. Not now. I needed just a few more days before my fall from grace was complete.

Perhaps I was simply a coward. Perhaps I thought that if I did not say it now, I would soon wake up and find it had all been but a bad dream.

“I was not always a good wife,” I finally said, words tumbling out of me with no forethought. “I was not always so loving to my husband as I should have been. And last night when I prayed, I found… I found myself admitting that perhaps I had been relieved that he had died.”

I dared to keep my eyes on Mary’s face, and a brief flash of confusion crossed her face.

“Madam, do you mean… You are glad Mr Caine is dead?”

“I do not know,” I said, fresh, salty tears biting at my eyes. “I know it is awful to say, but… Oh Mary, I am the most dreadful person in the world, truly.”

“No, no, madam, do not say such things.” Mary sighed heavily, keeping a hold of my hand. “I think… I do not know much of love, and perhaps I am a little simple. But… Mr Caine, he was, well, he was so much older than you. I do not mean to speak ill of the dead, but…”

“You may speak freely, Mary.” The words felt heavy on my tongue, because I certainly wasn’t speaking freely, not as I should have.

“I only mean to say that perhaps, well…” Mary shifted awkwardly, taking two small, huffed breaths before continuing on. “I could understand that it would not be a dream for a young woman to marry such an old man. And whether or not you loved him, it does not matter, for the situation was as it was. You are young, and beautiful, and he was so very much older. No one would think less of you for wanting a young and handsome husband.”

I swallowed hard. If that had indeed been my wish - which it had certainly been, on the nights when I was not cursing every man in the world straight into the depths of Hell - perhaps I had wished a little too hard.

“I cannot imagine why you would think that this would make me want to leave you.” Mary’s voice wavered with uncertainty. “Surely you do not think so little of me?”

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