Page 39 of Unseen

“It is not you that made me think so, sweet Mary.” I squeezed her hand, and now that I had denied the truth, it made lying so much easier. “I am meant to provide you a good Christian home in which to work, so your family knows you are safe.”

“Your thoughts do not make you any less Christian.”

I laughed sadly. “Do they not?”

“Even if they did, it is not my place to judge what you feel, for your husband, or about yourself. That is between you and God.”

“You are right.” A tear slid down my cheek, and Mary put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“Oh, madam, do not cry.”

“I wish… I just wish…” I wanted so badly to tell her what had happened, to unburden myself of the previous night. And moreover, I knew I had to set the scene for what was to come. While I did not want to tell her now, I knew that I had to somehow lay the way for the revelation to come as less of a shock. “I just wish I had some clarity. That I knew what to do next. Two years, all alone… Never… Never knowing happiness, or love, or… Oh god, it pains me to say it, but even the touch of another man. That makes me sound so vile, does it not?”

“No!” Mary threw her arms around me, hugging me close. “Madam, no, it does not make you sound vile at all. And I think, being in a house with Mr Azriel, well, it would not help, would it?”

My veins coursed with ice, and my mouth went dry. “Wh-what do you mean?”

Mary sat back, sighing with a small smile. “He is young, and handsome. Everything a suitor ought to be. And perhaps I am wrong in saying this, but a much more sensible match for you, madam. Perhaps that makes the situation all the more pointed.”

I stared at her with open horror I could not disguise.The more sensible match. Now I truly wanted to rage, to tell her how I had fought for my honour, tried to preserve my dignity in the face of Azriel Caine. Young and handsome, certainly, but also cunning and terrifying. As beautiful and dangerous as the devil himself.

But I had not fought truly, had I? I had made sounds I had never before heard fall from my lips. I had come undone under his touch. Instead of my performance moving into its second act, the quietly grieving widow was about to be replaced by Fallen Woman, one locked into an illicit marriage.

Mary shook her head anxiously, taking my hands again. “Madam, I am sorry, I spoke out of turn. Please, do not think I meant-”

“No, it is alright.” I forced a smile upon my face, shaking my head. “I know what you meant, and you are right, of course. Azriel is certainly the more sensible match, and he shall, no doubt, find a very… suitable woman, very soon. And I shall be happy for him.”

The lies were making my head spin. “Be a dear and fetch me some breakfast would you?” I extracted my hands from hers, and rose from the bed with a stretch. “After that I would very much like to go to church.”

Mary, bless her, did not ask any more questions, simply did my bidding, and quietly left the room.

I ate my breakfast in silence, and Mary set about taking out a dress, a simple black mourning gown with ruffled lace at the sleeves and a full skirt. The ruse would continue for now, my eyes flitting over the colourful dresses lurking at the back of the armoire. I could not even imagine wearing them again.

And yet, within a few short days, I would be.

I did not know why I wanted to go to church. I wasn’t a Catholic, I couldn’t go to a priest and confess my sins in exchange for absolution. Not that I would trust one with my secrets. Those were too grave to entrust to anybody.

Father Price would surely be surprised to see me again, on this dreary day. But I could not abide being in the house.

The carriage ride was comfortable, Mary chattering away in her friendly tone, pointing out the people she knew as we passed them on the street. As I watched her bright face, I was glad I had not yet burdened her with my shame, and a lump formed in my throat as I thought of finally telling her.

This sweet girl came from a good family, all in service. Decent people. People who did their duty quietly and graciously. The thought of this good, simple family judgingme somehow felt like the worst judgement of all. For Mary would have to tell them, they would find out somehow anyway. Would they summon her away? I could not blame them if they did.

“You did love him though, didn’t you?”

Her sudden question broke earnestly through the local gossip, and I blinked at her for a moment.

“Mr Caine?”

Mary nodded. “Yes. You did love him, despite, well, everything?”

I did not know how to tell Mary that I doubted Acton had ever even known what love was. He had understood possession, and ownership, and nothing more. I had been a shiny, pretty thing for him to have on his arm.

“Of course I loved him,” I lied, so easily, so well rehearsed. “It took its time, of course, but I loved him as a wife should love her husband. I had no reason not to.”

“I just know he loved you.” Mary’s voice was almost wistful, and a dreamy look overtook her face. “Love at first sight, I’m sure of it. To have such a beauty as a bride. He was surely the envy of the whole of London.”

I did not know what to say, so I simply smiled. I was sure that even if Acton had been the envy of London with his beautiful bride on his arm, I had been the laughingstock of it. I had seen the titters behind fans, the emphasised side glances at every ball we had attended.

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