No, I would take a house somewhere in the country, near my father of course. He would certainly expect me to return home, but I wanted my own home. Where I could have a cat, perhaps, to sleep at my feet, some dogs to run around on the estate. And a horse. Oh god, I missed riding.
Acton had forbidden it, always hoping I was pregnant, always afraid I would lose a possible child.He’d allowedwalks, saying that the movement was good for me, fresh air supposedly aiding in the conception of a child. So I walked and walked around that miserable estate until he began to complain about that as well.
Miserable old fool.
There was a soft rapping on the door, and Mary stepped into the bathroom.
“You must be shrivelled to a prune by now, madam.”
I lifted a hand and sighed. “I am, Mary. But I do feel so much better having had a soak.”
“Of course you do.” She took down my gown as I rose out of the tub, and cleared her throat as I dried off. “Madam, I was wondering, if I may…”
“Yes, Mary?”
“Only…” She shifted on her feet, unable to meet my eyes. “If you decide to quit Linmere, would you… I mean… I only wonder if I would still have employment if you decided to leave London?” She eyed me questioningly, lifting the robe for me to slip into.
Her question caught me off guard, and my face certainly gave away my surprise. Her face dropped, her eyes seeking the floor as I quickly shrugged on the robe over my mostly dry body.
“Oh, please do not worry yourself.” I took her by the shoulders and gave her a warm smile. “We do not have to think of such things now.”
“I do not want you to think me selfish,” she said quickly, shaking her head. “I am thinking of you, and that you have lost your husband. But you are the sweetest lady I have ever waited on, madam, and I would not want to leave you.”
That statement made me sad. I had never thought of myself as sweet, and my family had certainly never let me believe anything of the sort. I was prickly and unpleasant, but had the good fortune of having a very handsome face andlong black hair. Beauty was my sweetness, and it made up for what my personality lacked in spades.
But I was not cruel, and perhaps, that was enough for this smiling, plump-cheeked girl.
“Mary, if you so desire to come with me, wherever I may go once my husband has been laid to rest, I would be glad for it.”
Mary let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you, madam. You’ve no idea how much this means to me.”
A loud knock on my bedroom door had Mary scurrying to answer it. I began to release my hair from its pins, letting it fall down my back. It sat well below my bottom now, my crowning glory as my aunt had called it.
I admired my reflection in the mirror, and perhaps it was vain of me, but the red glow in my cheeks was extremely pleasing. The robe had cinched in my waist, and showed off just how tiny it was. I wondered if perhaps another man would take an interest in me, attempt to make me his wife.
All I knew was that I would not accept anything less than a man who worshipped me, who was a fool for me. I would lead any man who dared meddle with me around on a leash.
And then cast him aside like the dog he most certainly was.
Mary came back into the bathroom, her expression slightly less jovial than it had been when she left.
“Mr Azr- Mr Caine is here to see you, madam.”
I suppressed a groan. “Have you told him I am fresh from the bath and unable to receive visitors?”
“I have your morning dress here, madam.” She held it up, her eyes lighting up. “You are in mourning, Mr Caine will not think less of you for receiving him so. He is family after all.”
“We must send for the tailor at once, Mary.” I allowed her to wrap me in the gown, tying the frilly lace belt around mywaist. “If I am forced to be a widow at my young age, I at least want to be a well-dressed one.”
“I shall certainly call for them, madam.” Mary quickly brushed out my hair, then pinned part of it back with a mother-of-pearl comb. “And do not fret, madam. It is but a year and a day that you will be wearing all black. And in two years, you’ll be all dressed up again, pretty as a picture. It will seem like no time at all.”
Two years.With a pang in my chest, I ran my fingers over the blue velvet of the morning dress. It seemed frivolous to be concerned with clothing at that moment. Wearing black was a small price to pay, and one I had known would come due. And yet, two years of pretending to mourn somehow felt like an age at that moment. Such a very long time to keep up this tiresome act.
I gave myself a shake, scolded myself silently for being so patently ridiculous, and rose to face my stepson.
Azriel was waiting by the fire when I emerged into my bedroom. He took in my appearance with nothing but that unnerving neutrality, his face impossible to read. His gaze trailed down the length of my hair, which had started to curl as it dried.
“Hello, Evie,” he said softly, his mouth twisting into a smile I found most unsettling. “I am so glad to see you up and looking well. You gave us quite a fright this morning.” Before I could respond, his gaze instantly turned distant as it landed on Mary. “Tea.”