Page 47 of Love is Angry

“Fuck you, Rhue,” Madison hisses and I wonder for a moment if I’ve said my thoughts out loud.

It’s not that I want to fuck Lindsey, it’s that a part of me is terrified of fucking Madison. If she gives me half the pleasure that I’ve given to her, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to go back to…To what? Hating her?

A horrified Madison has taken the place of the wondrous orgasmic creature I held until a minute ago. She pushes me back, the trance shattered just as Cameron unloads deep inside Lindsey, gasping and groaning like a furious hog, his figure stiff, jolted only by the currents of his climax.

“Madison—” I try to speak, but she slaps me hard and pulls her shirt down. Her lips are wet. I know other parts of her are wet, too.

Her cheeks are crimson red as she grabs her beer and walks across the living room.

“Fuck you, I said.” She is angry, but something about the way she’s moving tells me it’s not me she’s angry with. No, she’s angry with herself. She didn’t see this coming. Frankly, neither did I, and I don’t know what to do with it, either. I only know that I loved every second of it. Her pleasure was my pleasure. I can rub a healthy one out just by reminiscing about this moment.

But that was it. That is all I get from her tonight. It’s also all that I can give.

Madison is a walking open wound for which I am responsible. I’m not whole either and I doubt two broken people can make a whole.

Cameron and Lindsey have collapsed on the rattan sofa, steam rising and sweat dripping from their bodies as they cuddle and hide under the covers. Chances are they’ll fuck plenty more times by morning, if only to keep themselves warm. I, on the other hand, have once again attained a case of the blue balls, courtesy of Madison Willis.

I asked for this, though.

I fucking asked for it.

Much as I don’t like to admit it, I know that I will ask for it again. What happened between her and me a year ago is not done. It’s still here, a tiny ember flickering in the poisoned darkness. But it’s still here. I’m not sure what can be done with it. I don’t know what to do with the damage either – not the damage I’ve done to her or the damage she’s done to me.

Madison and I were almost something wonderful. We never made it there. Not even close. And for what seems like an eternity, I’ve only been seeing her the prism of that wretched affair with my dad.

Maybe once the buzz from the alcohol fades, that’s what will illuminate her once again.

Fuck, my head’s a mess.

My heart, too.

Chapter 21

Back In Highschool: Madison

Day six.

Day six since I was…raped. It’s an ugly word to formulate, even if only in my head.

Day six, and only Julian and I know. Rhue saw something. I’m not sure what, but he hasn’t said a word. I check my phone again and again and again. Time after time, it remains quiet. No messages. No missed calls. Nothing I might have… oh, god, I think I’m going to be sick again. It won’t even matter if I make it to the bathroom. Despite the fact that it’s well after noon, my room is dark. I’ve got the curtains pulled, just like they’ve been for the past few days. There’s no more light in my world, I don’t need the brightness from the outside mocking me.

Dad has been trying to understand what’s going on with me. I don’t know what to tell him. I can’t pull the flu card for much longer. He’ll drag me to the hospital if I keep pretending to be sick. I don’t know what to do. It feels like I’m stuck. Like I’m hovering in the middle of an endless, vapid nothingness.

My skin crawls whenever I remember… but I don’t want to remember and I can’t seem to forget.

“Maddie!” Dad knocks on my door.

I can barely move. My muscles are goo somehow still stuck to the bones. My skin is pale, almost dead white, while the dark circles around my eyes only serve to confirm that I am sick. Physically and emotionally sick. Diseased. Exhausted. Broken beyond repair. And somehow, I am tasked with getting up every goddamn day and moving on.

After what Julian did to me, I’m supposed to just keep smiling. Pretend that everything is okay. Is this how this works?

“Maddie!”

“Yeah!” I shout back.

“Breakfast is ready, honey. Come on, you need to eat. You can’t be in bed all day. It’s almost been a week!” I can tell that he’s anxious. I’d feel sorry for him if all my pity wasn’t spent on myself. It’s not like I can tell him what happened, either. It would break his heart. He’d go after Julian. And going after Julian would mean he’d lose everything because men like my father, good men, they don’t win against monsters like Julian.

“Coming!” I manage to say, then listen to his footsteps receding.

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