Page 57 of Love is Fake

“Who the fuck knows how long anything’ll last for? I don’t have a crystal ball, Isabella. I can’t see into the future, but I know how I feel about you.” His eyes meet mine and I will him to say more, to say the words that feel as if they’re on the tip ofhis tongue. But he doesn’t and I’m left feeling more than a little disappointed.

If you know, then say it,I ask him silently.

“What about you? Have you told your sister about me, your friends?” I ask and, sure I’m deflecting, but it’s all part of the same argument.

Lennox’s eyes flash in warning at the mention of his family, even though I haven’t mentioned his parents, it’s a fine line I’m in danger of crossing. But I’m not backing down, he’s the one who started this damn argument in the first place.

“You know I don’t talk about shit like this with my sister,” he grinds out between gritted teeth.

“Sure, that might be part of it,” I concede, “but what about your friends? Tell me that you’re not worried about what they’re going to think about you hanging out with white trash?”

“The fuck, Iz?” Lennox blinks at me in shock. “Why the fuck would you ever talk about yourself like that or thinkIwould? Besides, you’re the one who wanted to keep us a secret from everyone, hell the only reason Dec knows is because apparently Kai can’t keep his damn mouth shut!”

And Kai has been left in no uncertainty over how I feel about his slip-up. It wasn’t intentional, but the damage has been done. And I was right to think Declan wouldn’t approve. It was clear that he didn’t. Lennox pretends not to notice. I pretend not to care.

“I’m just calling a spade a spade, Nox,” I tell him. “You know that’s what your big-league friends’ll think. Daughter of a mechanic, dirt freakin’ poor, mother’s whereabouts unknown.” I could go on, but my throat has started to close up with tears I didn’t even realize were creeping in.

We agreed to just see where things would go between us, to not put a label on whatever we were, but somewhere along theline, it has become so much more than a ‘wait and see’ casual thing – to me at least.

We said no strings, but if I’m being honest to myself all I want to do is tie us together.

Lennox tilts his head, looking at me as if he’s seeing all the way down into my soul. “No-one wouldeverthink that shit about you, and even if they did, they wouldn’t be anyone whose opinion I give a shit about.”

“You don’t know that, Nox,” I shake my head, pushing down the tears trying to make an appearance.

“I know there’s no way anyone would ever think you’re not good enough for me, because none of that crap is true. I’m the one who’s won the fucking lottery with you!” He says it as if it were an undeniable fact and I feel myself glow on the inside.

“I don’t know how long you’re gonna think that for, Nox.” I smile up at him through the feeling of inevitability that I can’t shake. “But I’ll take it for as long as it lasts.”

I expect Lennox to return my smile, but he doesn’t. Instead his expression remains pensive.

“I’m not going anywhere, Izzy,” he vows quietly, lifting my chin for our eyes to connect. “Why are you trying so hard to push me out the door?”

I blink up at him, his words hitting home. Is that what I’ve been doing; trying to push him away, keep him at arm’s length emotionally, so I’m not caught unaware when he eventually – inevitably – decides to call it quits?

I don’t need Kiara’s amateur psychology to read into why I might be doing that. It’s not as if it isn’t something that hasn’t happened before. I’ve had exes complain about me doing exactly that; shutting them out of my life when things look as if they’re about to get serious. It’s not something I’m proud of, I just don’t know how to stop.

How do you re-program yourself when you were let down by the one person who was supposed to love you forever when you were just a baby?

Lennox has opened himself up to me in a way he hasn’t with anyone else, I feel as if I owe it to him to give him the same. And not only that, I actuallywantto tell him. I want Lennox to know me in a way no-one outside of my father and my best friend do.

Talking about my mother always leaves me feeling vulnerable, like an exposed nerve, so I keep my eyes down as I give him the explanation I know he deserves.

“When my mom left, I was just a baby. I don’t remember her – the way she smelled, her smile, if she ever held me or sang to me. It’s all just…blank.” I hug my arms around myself, suddenly cold. “My dad kept photos of her around the house. He thought it was important I knew who my mother was. It took me until I was a teenager to tell him I hated seeing the person who treated me like I was nothing every day. It’s bad enough I see her in the mirror.” I draw a circle in the air around my face. “I always thought how much that must’ve hurt my dad – to see the woman he loved in the face of the daughter who drove her away.”

“Izzy -,” Lennox takes a step towards me, his arms out to hold me but I stop him.

“Don’t be nice to me right now, Nox.” I bite my lower lip so hard I taste blood. “If you are I don’t think I’ll be able to stand it.”

Slowly, he takes a small step back, giving me space and I couldn’t be more grateful to him.

“I never went looking for her. I never saw the point. If she wanted to see me, if she wanted to know me, we were easy to find. My dad still lives in the same damn house as when she left. I think – for the longest time – part of him expected her to come back. He never really dated anyone after mom, not until I moved to New York. It was like she’d ruined him for other women. She made him love her so much, he couldn’t imagineloving anyone else.” Lennox reaches out and gently brushes the errant tear making its way over my cheek. “He had no idea she would ever leave him. He didn’t see it coming and he had no way of coping with it. He told me I was the only thing that kept him going those first few years – he knew he couldn’t crack because he had to look after me.” And it’s something I’m both grateful for and something which leaves me feeling inexplicably guilty. “The number of times I’ve asked myself if my dad would have been able to have a more normal life, a better life, if I wasn’t around, if I’d never been born…”

I trail off as Lennox pulls me towards him, fiercely.

“Don’teverfucking say that,” he growls against my hair. “You’re the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me and there’s no doubt in my fucking mind your pops feels the same. And so does Kiara and everyone else who fucking loves you.”

My breath hitches at the ‘L’ word. It’s not quite a declaration, but it’s close, close enough to make my heart beat as loud as a drum.

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