Page 42 of When Forever Stays

She must have known this was coming because before the entire question was out of my mouth, tears filled her eyes.

“I tried. I was going to tell you the day I found out. But you…canceled on me.”

When I closed my eyes, I tried thinking back to that day and the reason I canceled. It was so many years ago that I couldn’t for the life of me remember.

“Then I saw your picture online. You were out with the band and…several other women.” Her smile was halfhearted as if she understood even back then where our relationship was headed.

“I’m sorry. I should have answered.” It was a pathetic response, but I didn’t have anything else to say.

She shrugged. “I begged you to call me back, that I had something important to tell you.” Ashley released a deep breath. “You never did. So I gave up until I had him. He was a beautiful baby boy.” She had a sad smile on her lips. “He looked just like you, and I wanted to reach out again. But then I saw more pictures of you partying with different women and I realized maybe this was how it was supposed to be. That you weren’t cut out to be Oscar’s dad.”

Her statement sliced into me like a machete. It would have hurt less to be wide awake during surgery than to hear those words. Not because she was callous when she delivered them but because they were true. As much as I’d like to say I would have changed, there’s no guarantee that I would have. I was too self-absorbed.

That didn’t start to change until Gannon, the lead singer of Awestruck—one of the bands we toured with—pulled me aside after one of our concerts to talk to me. It was shortly after my fling with Ashley and I had sunk deeper into the party boy lifestyle. He wasn’t judgmental as he shared the truth of Jesus’s love and forgiveness if I’d turn to him. Even though I didn’t apply the truth he shared, everything he said stuck with me. It was the same truth West shared with me when I started going to church with him.

Their words told me God wasn’t out to get me or waiting for me to mess up so He could rain down His punishment over me. Godwas waiting for me to see Jesus through the people He brought into my life who lived for Him.

Those people lovingly showed me that we all deserve God’s punishment and judgment, but Jesus took on that punishment to save all who believe, including me. They told me that God loved us so much that He sent His only Son to die for our sins. To give us not only life but life to the full. Partying wasn’t living life to the full; it was a temporary salve to cover the emptiness inside me. A superficial distraction from what–or Who–would give me life to the fullest.

Ashley was right; I wouldn’t have made a good dad. It was a sad and painful truth. It stunned me that Ashley thought she and Oscar would be better off without me–a rockstar who could give them the world.

Before Christ, I wasn’t cut out to be a dad. After Christ, well, I know I’ll still fail, but I also know that God’s grace is big enough to cover even my great inadequacies.

Over the next few months after our surgeries, Ashley updated me on Oscar’s life and recovery because he refused to speak to me. So I did the only other thing I could think of—I wrote him a song. Then I recorded it and left the flash drive in an envelope with Oscar’s name at their front door.

When I checked my mail a week later, I found a note from Oscar in my mailbox that read:

Thanks for the garbage, Old Man.

More than a year later and I’m still in the same spot with my kid. It’s frustrating and soul-shattering all at once. It’s been a hard road, but I am doing my best to remain faithful in believing Godhas a plan and is working in the muddied waters of my past and present. With Oscar and with Dana.

“Rhett, you have a guest!” Mrs. Woodhouse calls from the top of the steps, pulling me free of my thoughts.

“Who would be visiting me?” I think out loud. My heart pounds at the hope brewing there. Could it be Dana? Is she finally going to let me explain?

Dillon Grimes, Faith Alive’s youth pastor, waits for me on the living room sofa. I’ve only spoken to him a handful of times after church. But he seems like a decent enough guy. I just have no idea why he’s here to see me.

“Hey, Dillon.” I shake his hand and take the chair across from him.

“Hey, Rhett, how would you feel about getting back on the stage again?” he asks.

I eye him skeptically and lean back in the chair. “You know my history, I take it?”

He looks sheepish as he nods. “I do. And I don’t say this lightly, but I feel like Divine intervention is at play.”

I swallow the lump in my throat and raise an eyebrow. “How’s that?”

“Our guitarist just put his notice in. He’s moving off the island, and we need someone to take his place.”

Sweat breaks out across my forehead. Playing on stage is a rush unlike any other. But the last time I stepped off the stage, the entire trajectory of my life was altered. The memory of that timeplays on repeat in my nightmares. The same nightmare I had while staying with Dana.

After taking a shaky breath, I say, “I don’t know.”

Dillon clasps his hands in front of him and rests his forearms on his legs. “Can I ask why? I really thought you would have been excited. Dana told me how talented you are, and after listening to a few of your songs, I have to agree with her.”

“You talked to Dana about me?” I feel a confusing mix of pride and envy.

“She talked about your music when we dated. She told me about her love for Phantom Echoes and how much she enjoyed listening to your guitar solos.”

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