Page 48 of When Forever Stays

We sing a few more songs before Dillon takes the stage and delivers his message on forgiveness. Each verse he reads is like a bolt of conviction hitting me at the center of my heart. He ends in a prayer that has me fighting back tears, knowing I need to let go of the past.

We’re dismissed into our small groups, and a herd of teenage girls swarms around me and pushes me to our room.

“No. You don’t understand. I will never forgive her,” I’m shocked to hear Emma say as we all filter into the room.

“What she did was wrong, and you have every right to be upset, but not forgiving her isn’t going to help you. Or make her feel any worse than she already does,” Gracie says, giving Emma a gentle look as she takes her seat on the couch.

Emma rolls her eyes at Gracie and crosses her arms over her chest. She drops onto the couch, leaving several spaces between them.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

Emma gives me a dirty look, and I raise an eyebrow. “Sass and attitude aren’t going to deter me.”

Her shoulders visibly relax and her arms fall to her sides. She swallows, and I can see moisture at the corners of her eyes.

“Millie told Jax that I had a crush on him. After I swore her to secrecy.”

I grimace. Yeah, definitely a harsh betrayal. “And what happened with Jax?”

Emma hangs her head. “He told her that he can only see us as friends.”

“That’s hard.” Olivia walks over and sits beside Emma, touching her shoulder. “I know it hurts now, but another guy will come around and make you forget all about Jax.”

Emma shakes her head. “I don’t think so.” She looks up at Olivia. “I’m in love with him.”

I give my sister a lot of credit for not laughing or even cracking a smile. Emma can be quite a fickle drama queen. Only a few weeks ago, she was gushing over a senior boy she had study hall with that was definitely not named Jax.

Olivia and I both know how it feels to have your heart broken as a teenager. The emotions are valid and powerful. But those feelings quickly fade, and as adults, we can look back at what we experienced and almost laugh at how much something like an unrequited crush at fifteen hurts. But we survive, and those feelings fade away. I can’t explain that to a fifteen-year-old living in those moments, though.

“We need to forgive,” I say, feeling hypocritical.

“Why?” Emma snaps.

“Because Jesus set the example and forgave us for all of our sins. Even the ones that break His heart.”

“Have you forgiven Rhett for lying to you about who he used to be?” Emma asks, pushing me to acknowledge the truth I’ve fought so hard to ignore. This is why I need to be careful with what I say around these girls. They don’t miss a thing.

I stare at nothing in particular, unblinking. One thing I promised them from the get-go was to always be honest. That even in the hard things, I would be open with them. I have no excuse for changing that now. “It’s something I’m working on.” I turn my gaze back to Emma.

She gives me a haughty smile. “I guess it’s fair for me to say that forgiving Millie is something I’m working on too.”

I sigh and close my eyes for the briefest moment. At least it’s a start.

Needing to get this derailed freight train back on track, I ask Madi to open us in prayer.

She was the most nervous about praying when I first led these girls. Long pauses and stutters hindered her from being able to talk to God openly in front of other people. But now she’s confident and bold in her prayers, a prayer warrior not just at church but at school. From what the other girls tell me, Madi is the one at their lunch table who prays over the food despite the snide remarks and snickers from their classmates.

Spending time with these girls is exactly what I need and I’m grateful my heart has softened marginally this past week so I can really embrace this time with them. Madi sends up a heartfelt prayer that gets us ready to dig into the passage Dillon spoke on earlier. The girls each pull out their notebooks and pens, jotting down notes as we go through the passage word by word. Pride fills me as I look around at their well-worn Bibles. Their Biblesare worn from more than just coming to services and small group too. They love Jesus and live for Jesus. These girls are setting an example for me.

Watching Rhett play on stage made me momentarily forget it, but it’s the reminder I need. It shows me what life is all about. It’s not about the sexy undercover rockstar on stage; it’s about Jesus. Just like not everything in this life is about finding “the one” who will maybe make our hearts happy; it’s about discovering the One who laid His life down to save our souls and gives us something no circumstances can ever take away—joy. Listening to their answers and hearing their excitement is both eye-opening and humbling.

As we work through the verses, my heart thirsts more for God’s Word. I’ve been deprived of it for far too long. This is the push I need to not give up when the passages don’t make sense. I need to stop looking at it through the lens of whatIcan get out of it and instead read it as a way to learn more about God. To watch the promises He made come to fruition. To see the prophecies of old come true in God’s perfect timing. Without warning, tears brim as my eyes are opened to the reason behind my struggle. Just like when the scales fell from Paul’s eyes, the symbolic scales of my selfishness flutter to the ground and reveal the reason for my block.

Was it fair for me to be angry at Rhett for lying to me? Sure, it’s justified, but what he did isn’t unforgivable, and it’s not right for me to believe that for another moment.

Lord, please help me to let this go. Help me to forgive and move past this.

Olivia closes us in prayer before the whole youth group meets back in the sanctuary. When we step through the doors I seethat Rhett is back on stage, strumming his guitar and gently humming an old hymn into the microphone.

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