Page 51 of When Forever Stays

I’m grateful she feels that way, but it will be a while longer before I can forgive myself.

“I can try. But I will never stop hating myself for what I did.”

“Grace, Rhett. Give yourself grace. What does it say at the beginning of John? For from His–aka Christ’s–fullness we have received grace upon grace.”

I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose with my free hand. “You’re right.”

“Don’t let Oscar’s unforgiveness hold you back from forgiving yourself. I’ve forgiven you, but more importantly, God has forgiven you. Now it’s time you forgive yourself.”

“You’ve become a wise woman, Ashley Johnson.”

Her sharp intake of breath makes me smile.

“Well, thank you. Though I don’t feel wise right now.”

“Oscar is a stubborn kid. He loves you and you’re a great mom. He’ll come back for you, no matter how he feels about me.” The last part has me choking up. I never thought I’d be so desperate at my age for a teenage boy’s approval. But he’s a part of me, a blessing that came out of my mess of a life. Even if he never forgives me, I’m grateful that I had the chance to meet him and help him.

“He’s going to come around for you too.” Ashley says with conviction. “It will just take more time.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“Me too,” she whispers, then clears her throat. “Hey, well, I got to go. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

“Thank you. Have a good one, Ash.”

“You too.”

The spark of hope I felt before calling Ashley flickers out when we hang up. As much as I want to know if Oscar listened to my song, I can’t bring myself to ask her. She has enough going on.

So to focus on something I can control, I read a few Psalms to get ready for today’s service.

I take my place at the end of my usual pew with Dr. and Mrs. Woodhouse as I wait for the cue to go on stage. Mrs. Woodhouse nudges me with her elbow and tilts her head toward the aisle, where I turn to see Dana walking to her seat. Crew isn’t far behind her. Dana must feel my gaze on her, and she turns and gives me a quick wave. I wave back and mouth “Hi.”

Rosa arrives late, but she waves enthusiastically after sitting beside Dana. Crew turns around and nods in a silent greeting. Then it’s my cue, and I make my way up on stage, picking up the guitar I’ve become so familiar with, and get into the mix of contemporary worship songs and hymns we’ve practiced for today. To keep myself immersed in worship, I close my eyes and sing while standing back from the microphone, not wanting to take over the lyrics and detract from the lead worship singer.

The final song comes to a close, and I open my eyes and look toward Dana. The magnetic, almost electric pull we have crackles despite the people standing between us. She once said we have great chemistry—and we do—but everything about us, about her, is so much more. She gives me a gentle smile, breathing life into the spark of hope that’s been simmering in my chest.

I make my way back to my spot with the Woodhouses as Dillon greets the congregation. “Happy Sunday, Saints!”

He runs through the announcements and brings up the upcoming youth girls’ retreat. I send up a silent prayer for Dana, who is leading the messages that weekend.

When Pastor Ben takes the stage, I try my hardest to focus on the message but fail miserably. All I can think about is Dana, the son who wants nothing to do with me, and the complete mess I’ve made of my life. The Holy Spirit nudges me with a promise.There’s still hope.

Mrs. Woodhouse hands me a mint, jolting me back to reality.

“Let’s go to the Lord in prayer.”

I bow my head as the pastor says his prayer and closes the message.

My life is still a mess, but it’s in the thick of the mess where God works His good. I know my past mistakes aren’t bigger than God, and in time, He’ll make everything good and right.

TWENTY

DANA

Tears sprang to my eyes as I read Matthew 6 after youth group and my quick talk with Rhett. Once I got to the verses that say, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses,” I couldn’t hold back the waterworks and I let it all out.

This block I’ve had for weeks both with my own quiet time and preparing for the girl’s youth retreat has been lifted. But it only happened when I finally handed over everything to Jesus.

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