Page 108 of Ride Me Cowboy

Thanks for everything,

Beth.

Chapter Thirty

Beth

ICAN’T GO BACK to our apartment. It was my plan, when I left Coyote Creek Ranch. It makes sense, right? I mean, it’s ‘home’. Where I’ve lived for years. But as my flight neared La Guardia, and my driver slipped through New York, toward the Upper East side, I had this almost catastrophic inability to breathe. Sweat broke out on my brow, my back, making it hard to sit in the car.

So, I’d knocked on the window between us and asked to be taken to a hotel on the edge of the park. Just to regroup. I have to go back at some point, to pack up the remnants of my life.

Or do I? If there’s one saving grace in this situation, it’s that I do actually have access to money. Sometimes, I can do rich people things. Like getting someone to pack up the place for me. It’s cowardly, and yet, right now, with my heart as battered, bruised and broken as it is, that has definite appeal.

The whole heartbreak thing is my fault. I’m the one who pushed him to say he doesn’t love me. I needed to hear it, so that I could remind myself of that, replaying those words, whenever I’m tempted to weaken and call him.

I don’t feel like doing anything, back in New York, and this view I once thought of as incredible no longer does anything for me. I close my eyes and see the ranch. All the beauty of it. The contradiction of the landscape, the wide, bubbling creek behind the guest house, the rose garden, the ancient trees, the over-bright stars. I close my eyes and I’m back in The Silver Spur, dancing with Cole, laughing with Beau, talking to Mack. I’m in the kitchen at the Ranch, watching Beau cook, salivating at how good everything smells.

My phone starts to ring, and I startle, reaching for it, with that awful, pathetic hope in my chest that it will be Cole.

I know they’ve gotten the letters, because I’ve heard from Cass, Austin and Mack. I’ve been torn about the social media stuff. I want to see what Mack does, but at the same time, I need a break, so I’ve blocked the account, just to give me some breathing room, while I’m coping with all this. But when she messaged me, I told her to let me know if she needs any help, because I’ve somewhat left her in the lurch.

Except it’s Elsie’s face I see on the screen, not Cole’s, or anyone else from Coyote Creek Ranch. From the place I’d stupidly started to think of as my place.

For the briefest moment, I think about ignoring the call. The way I feel right now, I know I can’t take being yelled at by her again. But I swipe right anyway, and press the speaker phone button, so I can keep the phone resting on my thigh, rather than holding it to my ear. “Hi, Els.”

Elsie’s voice fills the hotel living room.

“Oh, Beth,” she says, sobbing. “Can we talk?”

It’s not at all what I’d expected. “Are you okay? Is everyone okay?”

“Yes, no. I need to talk to you.”

“I’m—okay.”

“I’m so sorry for what I said the other day.”

I shake my head, tears filling my eyes. “Please, don’t apologize. I still don’t even know if telling you was the right thing to do.”

“You should have told me sooner,” she sobs. “You should have let me help you.”

“Are you—are you saying you believe me?”

She sobs and is unable to speak for a time. I wait, though, staring out at the park, my heart thudding heavily inside me.

“I believe you,” she whispers.

I close my eyes, surprised by how badly I needed to hear that. Surprised by how her words bring tears to my eyes, and then wrench a huge sob from me, so we’re just two people sitting on a call in New York, crying.

“Are you back in New York?” I ask, through the tears.

“Yeah. I came straight back.”

“Okay. Do you want to come over?”

“Are you here?”

I nod, tears streaming down my cheeks. “Yes. But not at…the apartment.” I give her the name of the hotel then we disconnect the call. I pace the hotel room, consider showering, because I haven’t since I left the ranch three days earlier, but find I still don’t have the energy for it.

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