Page 9 of From Angel to Rogue

“I couldn’t. I told you I was scared, and I wa—” Her voice cracked. “I am embarrassed that I can’t have children, that I can’t be a moth…mother.”

“Katy, fucking stop. Don’t you dare feel embarrassed for something like that. I won’t let you. How many times do I have to tell you that it won’t change a thing between us? I accept and love every part of you, angel.” I felt beyond helpless at this point, but one thing was certain.

I was tired. I was so tired of beating around the bush with her and running around in circles that was getting us nowhere. I wanted to get to the end of this today.

Why does it matter that I loved her and respected her so much when she didn’t want even an ounce of what I gave?

I was tired of giving and giving and trying to keep this relationship alive.

At the end of the day, it felt like I was the only one paddling this boat on a stormy night while Katy did whatever she liked.

I loved her, I would love her till the day I died, and that would never change. But how long can I be the only one paddling on a sinking boat?

A boat she was determined to sink with her ignorance and lies.

It made me feel unwanted.

She made me feel unwanted.

“I think we need a break, Katy,” I announced, my voice slicing through the air like a thin, sharp paper cut. I uttered the words I never thought I’d ever say to her in this lifetime. But sometimes, some things are meant to be said.

“Yo…you want to break up with me?” she shrieked, her eyes filling with panic.

“Maybe,” I answered. But truthfully, that wasn’t something I could do. Even if it was her bits and pieces I got, I would still hang onto it like a dog, curling up at her feet for the rest of my life. “What I said is we need a break—some space between us. We’d been together for almost eleven years, and I think it would do us good if we spend some time apart and figure things out.”

“You don’t love me anymore, do you?” she asked, a wild look in her eyes. “You don’t want a woman who can’t give you everything you want. Everythinga manwants. You finally see, don’t you? That I am a loser after all and I’m not really worth it.”

“Fucking hell,” I muttered, crashing on the couch as I wrung my fingers through my hair. “This right here, Katy. This is why we need a fucking break. I just fucking told you I love you more than anything in this world, all of you. Yet you tell yourself a different story in your head. Everything about this relationship has been on your terms because I thought you knew best. But look where we are. I don’t even feel like I’m your equal. I feel like you don’t really see me, Katy. What’s the point of me stayinghere, doing the same old dance with you again and again when I know it won’t lead anywhere?”

“So what? You’re abandoning me?” she shouted, pointing a shaky finger at herself. “I did all this for you. I becamethisfor you, and now you don’t want me anymore? It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay,” she mumbled. “It’s still not too late. Tell me how you want me to be, and I can do it. I can become the girl you want. I…I can’t…” she sniffled, her eyes glittering with unshed tears. “Give you children but anything other than that, just tell me, I can do it. You want me to be thinner, prettier, more successful? I can do it all.”

Shock riddled my blood at her incoherent mumbling. “Katy, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Just tell me, Lan.” She knelt before me, her fingers clasping mine in desperation. “Tell me how you want me to be for you to stay, and I’ll do it, anything at all, I’ll do it,” she pleaded. “You can’t leave me. You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted.”

“Why is that you’re saying that I want you to be a certain way, Katy?” I asked, my tone cold and frozen like my insides. “I love you just the way you are.”

“No, you don’t understand.” She shook her head, her eyes manically frantic. “I thought you would like her, love her, the level-headed, successful band manager, the confident and smart girl, with a trending fashion sense and cool girlfriends—the social butterfly. Girls like that are cool and amazing, right? So I became her.” She gave me a maddening smile, tightening her grip around my wrist. “But if she doesn’t do it for you anymore, just say it. I can become someone else.”

She was fucking scaring me. What the fuck was she talking about? “Katy, I don’t understand,” I whispered, cupping her soft cheeks. “You don’t have to become anyone else for me to love you, angel. I love you, the real you.”

“No, you don’t,” she said it in such a low tone that I almost didn’t hear her. “You don’t love the real Katy, Lan. Because you don’t really know her. She’s filthy and weak, so, so weak.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“When I saw you, I wanted you.” She looked haunted, but her eyes were filled with love as they gazed at me. “I never wanted anything or anyone more in my life than you. But you wouldn’t want a chubby, stupid, next-door neighbor with mediocre looks who had nothing to offer, right? Boys like you only get the cool girls in school. So I spent that summer becomingher,and when you finally noticed me, that only made me work harder to become the person worthy of you.” Her voice cracked. “I tried, Lan. I tried everything. I became thinner, I learned how to do my makeup, I learned to dress better, speak better. I even became the band manager, the job I loathe and hate every moment, but I’m used to it now. But when I…I found out I can’t get pregnant, I’d never felt more defeated knowing I can’t give you the gift that any other girl can give, so I tried every day to be perfect. For you. So perfect that you’ll never leave me. But if you don’t like it anymore, just tell me what you want, and I can be her.”

Hurt crackled into every inch of my body, the wounded aches burning in screaming fury. Is that what I let her become, and was too blind to even see the truth? Is this what my love had reduced her to? A woman begging on my feet, a woman so far gone that she could hardly see how fucking much I loved her for her.

What the hell did I do to her?

How the fuck was I so blind to see this?

I’d never felt so broken in my life than now. It felt like every emotion in my heart was zapped alive while my pain pathways fired like hellfire.

The pain was just too much and I hardly felt it.

“Y…You’re telling me,” I choked. “You’ve been pretending all this time? Faking who you are?”

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