Page 152 of Nine-Tenths

"According to them, I should have," Onatah snarls. "Better a dead Favorite, than a violated one."

That word—violated—slams into my chest like a baseball bat. What little calm I'd managed to cultivate shatters. The shrapnel stabs at my lungs. I half expect to cough up blood.

I must make a wounded noise, because everyone's eyes swing to me.

"He did it on purpose," I manage to shake out. "Dav's history, his past, Simcoeknewand he touched me anyway."

"That sadistic motherfucker," Hadi hisses. Suddenly she's on her knees in front of me, arms wrapped around my shoulders, my face in the tail of her hijab, clinging.

"But Dav stopped." I lay my forehead hard against her shoulder, grounding myself. "Dav stood in the bushes and let me cry, he didn't crowd me, didn't—"

My hands start clenching into fists of their own volition, and I press them against my heart in an effort to control both.

"Colin! Hey… breathe!"

"I am! I am breathing. I… oh god!"

Hands on the side of my face, fingers on my temple.

Five…. Five… five things I can see… I can't… I can't see… anything.

Anything.

"Colin!"

"I'm here."

"No, you're not, come on, look at me… Deep breaths."

That's something I can do.

In. Hold. Out.

The black spots at the edge of my vision recede.

When I look up, Hadi's eyes widen, and I can tell it's bad.

"Fuck. Fuck. Iknewhe hadn't told me everything," I hiss. The coffee threatens to make a reappearance. I bite down hard on the inside of my cheek to keep that from happening.

Hadi looks desperate and lost. "What can I do to help?"

"I can't… I don't think I can go back there." My insides cramp up, my breath clogging in my throat. The tears are already rolling down my face, my vision sliding. I grab Hadi's arms, fingernails digging in.

"Favorites don't get to change their minds," Onatah says softly.

"You can't seriously think we're going to let him go back there if Dav is going to maul him!" Hadi snarls.

"Hey, I don't make their rules!" Onatah protests. "But I can tell you this—if you run away, if you leave, they will find you and they will bring you back."

"Fuuuuuck," I whine.

"If it's any help, I do genuinely believe Dav will never hurt you."

"The thing on Colin's wrist begs to fucking differ!" Hadi says.

"That was my idea," I tell her. "I thought if he could mark me a different way—"

"Next time use soap," Onatah says.

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