Page 154 of Nine-Tenths

"Laura?" Pedra asks.

"Simcoe’s Favorite. Laura Secord."

Hadi goggles at me. "When were you gonna tell me you metLaura fucking Secord?"

"I just did."

Pedra hums again, brain still whirring, and then, slowly, like her words are wild creatures she's afraid of letting loose, says: "Are we sure Charlotte’s deathwasan accident?"

"She fell off a cliff, she wasn't shot by an assassin," Hadi says.

Onatah and Pedra exchange a glance, but neither says anything.

It's a minute before I can work up the spit and the courage to ask: "Do you think… Do you think he's a danger to himself? Will he—"

"No," Onatah cuts in. "Draconic instincts don't work like that. Sarah, the kids, the farm, he can’t abandon them. Do you understand? He physicallycould notdo that to himself. None of us could."

I’m relieved to hear it in a small, shamefully selfish way.

If he… if he dies.

If he does, then… Then it isn't my fault.

Hopefully.

"But if there was a barn fire, or another war, or something?" Onatah goes on. "Then before you, I might have said that I think he wouldn't be… as careful as he should be."

"Fuck," I say. My heart is beating too fast, I’m lightheaded and tingly with the drive torunscreampunchthat has nowhere to go.

"You can't ask Colin to go back into a potentially dangerous situation because Dav might off himself," Hadi says, angry and blunt. "Dav's choices are not on Colin."

"No," I agree. "But I put on the pin. And that has responsibilities attached to it. And nothing will change that."

I'm trapped.

Doesn't matter if Dav hurts me again or not—he wouldn't, not on purpose, any more than that stressed dog can help biting—but nothing will change the fact that this is where I am. Now. Forever. This iswhatI am.

I am… Nothing.

Whatever shrapnel was in my lungs melts, liquifies, slides away.

And is replaced with…

Nothing.

Outside of Beanevolence, a car horn sounds.

It's a Helios. Gray. Tasteful. Patient.

I stand. Wipe my face. "That's my ride."

"Colin," Hadi says, tight. "I'll check on you, okay? I'll—"

"I'm fine."

I head for the door.

What else can I do?

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