Page 126 of Mate to the Alpha Called God

Some of the harshness on his face disappeared, "You got pregnant for me."

Her heart arched. All these still felt new to her. Like a dream. "I still don't understand how it was possible. I was eight—"

"And you were my mate. Even without the mating rituals, it was possible because you were my mate and you were already menstruating, according to your father. Your monthly flow began prematurely when your mother started working in the labs because your mate was there."

God, she was having a hard time wrapping her head around everything, but somehow, it made sense, especially judging from what happened to Nalaila after he'd been forced to touch her.

"You know, it's easier to never have a child than to have a child and lose him." He spoke in a voice so low, that she almost didn't catch what he was saying.

But, she did and it tugged on her heartstrings. "I'm sorry, Wolfie."

Whirling around again, blazing blue eyes found her, "Don't you dare..." He cut off, and took deep breaths as if he was willing himself to calm down, "Don't you dare apologize for this. Don't apologize for anything that was not your fault. I raped you. I got you pregnant prematurely. I made you lose your womb."

Pain lanced through her heart at the mention of her womb. God knows that in silence—when she was all alone and completely sure that he wouldn't hear her—she will mourn the permanent loss of her womb. She will never blame him for it.

"All these hurt me, Ismena. I can only speak to one person. How can so much happen to one person? He shook his head, "Eighteen years ago but it felt like yesterday."

"Yes, it does, Wolfe because you are not allowing yourself to heal."

"Heal? Did you just say heal? How do I heal when it all lives here?" He pointed at his chest, "How do I heal when everywhere I look is a constant reminder of the horrors of my life? How do I heal when I have a part of me that is barely hanging onto sanity, almost feral? How do I heal when I have a sister that is unable to take a human form for in the past eighteenyears because she lost her will to live because I brutally forced myself on her?"

"Wolfe—"

"How do I heal when I have a sister who won't go out to the night for freedom and fresh air because she has no will to keep being alive? How do I heal when one of my werewolf alphas lost his mate forever because she was paired with me in captivity and died afterward? How do I heal when my parents died because of the horrors of my captivity? How can I heal when I can't even sleep well at night because my mind replays it all over and over and over again? How do I heal when the girl I wronged more than I wronged my sister is alive and all my sins towards her are facing me again one after another?"

"Wolfe..." Tears streamed down her face. She has never felt so helpless in her entire life. He isn't just freezing her out this time around, he is slamming shut, every door she could possibly try to reach him through.

"I could go on and on and on about why I can't heal—why I'm unable to heal, Ismena, and we would stay here all night." He looked so defeated when he turned away from her, "Sometimes, I wished I never survived."

"You can't say that." She wanted so badly to offer him the same comfort he'd offered her. She is his mate, he belonged to her. She believed that she can give him the same soothing comfort he gave to her if he allowed her to hold him in her arms like he did to her. But, he wouldn't.

He doesn't even want her touching him. He jerked away from her touch repeatedly, sometimes, she wondered if he was even aware that he was doing it.

"I should never have survived that hellhole. It would have been easy. Freer. Then, I wouldn't have to live like this, with this." Eyes devoid of any visible feelings were tracking the twinkling stars so far away.

"What about your sister? What would have happened to her if you'd died? What about your people?" What about me? But she didn't add that.

She couldn't see his whole face because of the angle where she was standing, but she saw a muscle tick in his jaw. He said nothing.

"You survived for a reason, Wolfie. You are a strong male. A powerful male. The most powerful man in Naturiah. You have been doing so great all this while. Yes, it hurts and life was a bitch, but you were so good at surpassing all those obstacles. That was how you survived all these years. That was how you survived what no male in your world or a man in my own world would have ever survived."

Unbiddenly, she placed her hand on his back again. He jerked away again like the mere touch from her burned him. It hurts.

"Why are you pulling away from my touch?" She blurted out before she could talk herself out of it.

"No, I'm not." He said, stiffly.

She touched his lower back. He flinched before his brain could even process the action.

"Yes, you are." She hated how her voice trembled.

Then, he turned and stared at her with such a drained expression on his face. "I can't... Ismena. I'm sorry, but I can't. I can't do this, I..." He swallowed tightly, "I need a break. I need a break from all this. This is tearing me apart."

She doesn't understand what he was asking of her. "What do you mean? This is not a time for a break. This is a time for us to get closer together and get through this. Together."

"No. I know that you will be alright without me, Ismena. You have a lot going on for you right now, but I know you can get through it without me—"

"No," Shaking her head, she took a step back away from him. And another, "No, no, no, I can't—"

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