Page 52 of Craving Consequences

It’s never been about him.

It’s about the loss of someone so important to me, it’s like losing a part of myself. Like a death. Like I watched Lauren die in my arms and now I have to live with the knowledge that I will never see her again. The wound is so close to the one left behind by my parents that I momentarily can’t tell them apart.

But she’s not dead.

She’s still alive and living with this secret she doesn’t think I know about. She threw us away — everything we had — forhim.

Over someone who she used to tell me to leave, to walk away from. She gave me so much grief for staying with him, and she wasted no time...

I slide down the cool wall and curl into myself on the bathroom floor. My breath stutters around the vile taste in my mouth. My body shudders with the clammy chill of my wrung body.

I don’t know how long I sit here, staring at the cabinet under the sink, reliving every second I trusted her. Thought she had my best interest at heart. All the times they went at eachother’s throats. Two years’ worth of lies. Two years of thinking Lauren was being protective and Bron difficult.

But the truth was so much darker. Or maybe I just didn’t want to see it. otherwise, I’d have to admit how stupid I was to keep forgiving him. How desperate I was to stay close to someone who treated me shamefully.

Bron never loved me. He loved what I could give him — money. The second I got my inheritance, my parent’s life insurance money, all their possessions, Bron embedded himself into my life. I saw it back then but ignored it; no way anyone could be that disgusting. I was so desperate not to be alone that I didn’t blink when he asked me to buy him a car. I didn’t balk when he asked for thousands of dollars to go on a trip with his friends. I never stopped him from taking my card and splurging on himself.

God, I’m so stupid!

He took so much from me, not just money, but my time and dignity. My self-esteem, my self-worth, my happiness. He systematically destroyed me and I let him. I let him hollow me out. I let him humiliate me in front of his friends.

And still I stayed because I’m sad and pathetic. Because if I let him go, I’d lose everything tethering me to this life. Without Bron, I would lose my family ... again. I would lose Sunday BBQs at Lachlan’s. Game nights at Van’s. I would loseChristmases and bonfires, and dinners. I’d lose Lachlan’s rare smiles and Van’s deep laughs.

Without Bron and Lauren, I’m alone all over again.

“No...”

The single whimper is a broken croak that has me pulling my knees to my forehead as I crumble all over again. As the world pushes down on me, vast and empty. My sanity teeters dangerously close to the edge as I grapple with the knowledge that Bron was right — I am weak and nothing without him.

This is my parent’s fault, because for the first twenty-three years of my life, I was surrounded by more love than any one person should ever be allowed. My parents, they were everything. Smiles in the kitchen. Long hugs just because. A home that always smelled like cinnamon and clean laundry and felt safe. They spoiled me with so much affection that when they were gone, I became touch starved. I needed love so badly I licked it off a knife and nearly bled to death.

I let myself get used. Let myself be grateful for scraps of affection because it was better than the void my parents left behind. Better than the cold. Better than the ache of grief and the weight of an too-empty house. Bron’s attention was a rope in the darkness. I just never thought it would be a noose.

Every crumb hid razorblades. Every touch was punishment. Everything I begged for was dipped in poison before being stuffed into my mouth. I was so desperate forhuman contact, I let him strip away everything I was until I’m the girl sitting on the bathroom floor, curled up a in ball, sobbing for yet another thing I’ve lost.

I don’t blame Bron for what I did last night. That was my reckless mistake. My fault.

I blame him for taking the last person I had in my life. The only person I considered family. I blame Lauren for letting him. For caring so little about me when she meant everything to me. Bron was a mistake I was learning from, but Lauren was my rock. My true salvation. Her betrayal is the thing that crippled me.

And I don’t understand.

I don’t understand what I did to deserve it. How had I failed her? What unspeakable crime had I committed against her that was worthy of this pain?

Even as I choke on my wails and drown in my tears, I have no answers. I have nothing but this cold void swallowing me up from the inside. The agony is unmatched, brutal and merciless until there’s nothing. Until the absence is ice filling my veins. My heart. I absorb it. Let it fill me. I cling to it and let it coat me like a new skin.

A new Everly.

I don’t know this version, but she slips in with a different fire. A vengeful and angry inferno that scorches up my throat and pools in my belly.

My fist slams into the ceramic side of the tub. The hollow thud echoes in the silence. The pain distracts me.

They thought I was weak. That I would continue to kneel while they laughed at my back. How many nights had Bron rejected me only to crawl into her arms and mock how pathetic and desperate I was for their attention?

Never again.

I push to my feet and glower at the mirror.

My reflection stares back, foreign and familiar all at once.

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