Page 102 of Home Safe

Clutching the box with both hands, the torrent of thoughts bursts forth again. “Because I’m afraid I made a mistake. I’m not a good decision maker. I agonize over them. And then I second-guess myself within an inch of death. But I was so sure about the decision to adopt Jason. Iknewit was right. But now I’m worried that I was wrong. Not because I don’t love him or because I don’t want to deal with these behaviors. Because I’m afraidIwasn’t the right person forhim. When he spirals into those rages, I almost feel . . . afraid of him,” I admit, and the tears fully unleash. “And my mind sprints ahead to years down the line, fearful of what these outbursts could look like when he’s a teenager. It frightens me. What kind of mom is afraid of her child?”

Monica waits patiently as I pause to blow my nose before continuing. “Jason is so incredible. He’s such a sweet kid. But even if he wasn’t, he would still deserve to have parents who love him and support him through everything. I want to be that for him, but I’m afraid I’m not enough. That he deserves more than me. That I can’t provide the stability and security and strength that he needs. I’m worried that I can’t love him enough to make up for all the ways I don’t know how to help him.”

After I blow my nose again, Monica gives my arm a gentle pat. “I’m assuming that Jason’s therapist has already explained the brain science behind trauma to you?” When I nod, she continues. “So you know that love, while crucially important, isn’t going to be enough to help Jason?”

I sputter a breath through my lips. “I know. I know those words in my head. But I still wish that loving him could be enough.”

“I understand,” Monica says. “We all wish that love was a magic tonic to cure all injuries. Although that’s not the case, I do want to affirm some things for you, Danae.” I sit up straighter to meet her eyes as she continues. “You chose to upend your life in order to welcome Jason into it. You are showing him love in small and big ways, meeting his needs in both tangible and intangible ways. You are providing a safe, healthy home for him. You have arranged for him to see therapists who are helping him learn coping strategies as he learns to regulate his emotions and trauma responses. You’ve expressed that you are open to other therapy and treatment options for him—anything that couldhelp him. And you chose to take all of this on as a single mother. You are agreatmom, and you are therightmom for Jason.”

Her face grew blurrier with each statement she made, until I burst fully into tears again. When I finally calm down, I look at my watch. “We’re over time,” I say. I give her a watery attempt at a smile. “When are you free next?”

Monica smiles. “I don’t have any clients after you, so how about we extend our session until we’ve reached a natural stopping point. Will that work for your babysitter?”

I shoot a quick text to Kara, who immediately responds with a thumbs up.

“For today, there’s one other thing I’d like to explore further that you seem to be tangling up with this anxiety over Jason. I’d like to know why you have reservations about your relationship with Griffin. From what you’ve said, it seems obvious that you care deeply for him, and that he feels the same toward you and Jason. So, why the anxious thoughts?” she asks.

Dropping my eyes, I fidget with the hem of my shirt. “I don’t know,” I say.

“That response isn’t going to work,” Monica says, a teasing tone softening the admonishment of the words. “I need you to dig below the surface of your thoughts.Whyare you so anxious about your relationship with Griffin?’

Chewing my lip, I search the flow chart of my thoughts, looking for patterns.

“It’s probably similar to my anxiety about Jason. That I’m second-guessing my decision to date Griffin. That I wonder if that was a mistake too. I love Griffin for who heis. I know that I do. He’s thoughtful and magnetic and kind. He has the ability to make anyone feel like a friend after one conversation because he asks such good questions—and genuinely wants to know the answers. He disarmed all of my defensive walls in one date. He’s funny and charming and protective of the people he loves. He’s amazing with Jason. He’s . . . he’s everything I think I could want from a life partner,” I say.

“But?” Monica supplies.

“But I don’t love what hedoes. His life is so all over the place. Literally, all over the country. His schedule during baseball season—which is three quarters of every year—is incredibly demanding with very little margin. As much as I know he wants to be there for me when things get tough with Jason, there are very real restrictions beyond his control that limit his ability toactuallybe there,” I say. “I know there are couples who deal with so much more time apart than we have. But this level of instability and public scrutiny is hard forme. It’s why I tried to talk myself out of liking him in the first place. For as safe as he feels as a person, the persona of Griffin West, professional baseball player, feels very risky. So, maybe my decision-making skills are broken. Maybe I never should have agreed to go on a date with him in the first place.”

Monica tilts her head, assessing everything I’ve said. I start to worry I’ve said something wrong the longer she sits there with her head cocked and eyes narrowed.

“Could I make an observation, Danae?” she asks.

Swallowing a lump in my throat, I return to nodding.

“While the limitation of Griffin’s schedule is certainly a valid reason to be anxious, I’m not sure that’sthereason you have so much anxiety about your relationship. You hadn’t met Griffin prior to Jason moving in with you, correct? And Jason exhibited some of these difficult behaviors prior to your relationship with Griffin beginning?” Monica asks.

More nodding.

“You made the decision to adopt Jason as a single mother. You prepared to face those challenges alone, knowing you did not have the support of your family, with only the assistance of the friends you already had in place,” Monica says. My nodding slows as I process what she’s saying. “So, it doesn’t seem like Griffin’s inability to be available any time you need him should betheissue, at least, not in and of itself. I think it’s much deeper, much more nuanced than that. I think you’re frightened by the fact that youwanthim to be there for you. He alreadyisa safe place for you, after you never felt that way with your family of origin. You’re afraid of losing your safe place, so your brain is trying to convince you that it’s not actually safe. Because the thought of losinga safe place is more terrifying than never having a safe place to begin with.”

I drop back in my chair, like her statement was a physical blow. Monica allows the seconds to tick by in silence as I mull over her observation.

“So,” I begin, voice small. “What do I do?”

Monica huffs a laugh. “I think you’re misunderstanding the purpose of therapy. I don’t prescribe what decisions you should make. I listen and help you see your own thoughts from another angle. I guide you through coping strategies and point you in the direction of applicable resources. But I don’t tell you whether or not to break up with the guy,” she finishes with a wry smile. “I’m afraid that’s all on you.”

Covering my eyes with the crook of an elbow, I moan. “Did you not hear the part where I’m terrible at decisions?”

Monica chuckles again. “That’s certainly something we can work on together.”

Sighing, I uncover my eyes. “And I suppose there’s no magic tonic for that either?”

She holds her hands up and shrugs. “Fresh out of magic tonics, I’m afraid.”

Chapter forty-two

Griffin

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