Page 37 of Vow of Obsession

“I suppose I did,” I admit.

“Even if you didn’t want to.” Her smile falters.

“Do you really believe I don’t want you?” This is not the time I want to think about my mother, but her words from last night about talking to Tova thrust to the front of my mind.

“I can feel you want me.” Tova shifts in my lap. “But that’s kind of normal for men.”

“I’m not normal,” I remind her.

“And I’m different.” She pauses. “To you.”

“You are.” I can no longer deny it or attempt to hide the feelings I have for Tova. It’s a part of me now. “You’ve been different from the start. I tried to hide it, but I failed at that.” Tova watches me curiously. “I should apologize, but I’m seeing now that it doesn’t matter.”

“Why?” Tova shifts in closer.

“I was always going to have you, or at least I never would have let anyone else have you. It’s why you’re here, after all.”

Tova shakes her head adamantly. “You didn’t want to marry me.” Now she scoots back away from me. My hands move to her hips, making sure she doesn’t try to get farther away. I’m paying attention to everything right now. From the way she shifts her body to the expressions on her face, I want to understand her. Tobe what she needs me to be as her husband. To learn her likes and dislikes in every aspect of life.

“I didn’t want to marry you.” Marriage is a piece of paper.

I understand the legal aspects of marriage. That makes sense, but I don’t understand how people think it bonds them together. But I do understand the weight others put on it, and it’s clear as day how much my father loves my mother, and that puts a target right on her head.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Tova glances down, not wanting to meet my eyes any longer, and I know she is fighting those fucking tears.

“Little mouse,” I say softly. Her head snaps back up, and she sits up straighter. I watch as she tries to shove all those emotions she has down. I can feel her putting that wall back up to protect herself.

“Let go of me. I want to go back to my room.”

“If you want to go back to our room, I’ll take you there.”

“I want to be alone.”

“You’ll never be alone again.” I lean in. My little mouse doesn’t break eye contact; she keeps her eyes narrowed on me. I love that she doesn’t back down from me. As naïve as Tova is, I have always seen that passion in her. When she puts her mind to something, it will be a fight to get her to back down.

“Why? So you can put me away somewhere and just go about your life? That was the plan, right? That you could clean me up, put a baby in me, and then stick me away so you didn’t have to deal with me. I would be docile and easy to control.”

“Since you’ve been told you had to marry me, you have not been easy to control.” Tova purses her lips, letting me know she’s not happy with my response.

I’m not sure my wife was ever easy to control. I merely influenced her parents' decisions to get her where I needed her. Now I’ve been ordered to be nice, and that’s what I’ve been, fornow. I can’t promise that will always be the case. If they try to take my wife from me, then I’ll do what I must.

“Sorry to be such a handful.” Tova doesn’t look sorry at all.

I don't want her to stop either. Fighting us, yes, but I have to say, as much as I get pissed when she sneaks around or gets worked up, I rather enjoy the emotions she evokes in me. Even if I hate that I can't control them. She makes me feel alive.

I almost want to smile at her response, but I think better of it. I want to come to an understanding with her. For us to be on the same page.

“Did my little mouse overhear something?” I know where those words came from because they’d pissed me off when they were said.

My mind goes back to that day, tracing through my meeting with my father. When I’d left my office, there had been a vase of flowers in the kitchen, letting me know Tova had been in the house. She usually never ventured near my office, but I suppose that day she had. There is no other way for her to know word for word what my father had said.

“You don’t deny it.” Neither does she.

“My father can be a very clever man, and he knew what he was doing when he ordered me to marry you.” Her tiny nose scrunches, and I have the strangest urge to kiss it. “He knew I wanted you. I’m finding out that I haven’t done well in hiding my affection for you.” I lay myself bare, knowing this is the only way to put her mind at ease. To show her that I wasn’t forced to do anything. That I’ve wanted her every second of every day since the moment I saw her.

Tova’s mouth opens and then closes, a range of emotions crossing her angelic face. “I don’t get it.” She shakes her head, sending her curls flying. “If you wanted me, then why wouldn’t you act on it?”

“You’re a weak spot for me.” As I say the words aloud, I hear how wrong they are. “Or so I thought. People will use you against me, so I tried to pretend I didn’t care about you, but when you're close and I now have the right to touch you, my control slips away.”

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