Page 36 of Forgive Me, Father

But what haunted me more was my body’s reaction.Why had I responded like that?Did some part of me secretly want it?

I had no one to talk to, no one to help me make sense of the mess inside my head.

I’d always had weird sexual fantasies with Philip, but nothing like this.Rape was wrong, and here I was, fantasizing about Alfonso raping me.It scared me to death.

His temper was something that should completely terrify me.

And yet it was the fourth day that he’d been bestowing gifts, very expensive gifts, on me.

This morning, he handed me tickets to Italy, Puglia, to be exact.I’d been there once as a kid on a family vacation, and it had been one of the best weeks of my life.We’d all needed that break so badly.

Part of me longed to see it again, to walk those sun-drenched streets and breathe in that coastal air, but going now meant goingwith him.And I wasn’t ready for that.Not yet.

I picked up the phone to order breakfast when the lady on the other side apologized and told me that she’d been instructed not to bring anything up to me.

It was Alfonso.He was forcing me to eat with him.

So, I figured I wouldn’t eat.

I saved my energy by sleeping half of the day and watching Netflix the other half.

I had no idea how long we’d be stuck here, and that uncertainty gnawed at me.

A knock echoed from the door.I didn’t move, just shut my eyes and sank into the mattress, feigning sleep like it was a damn performance.My mother used to call me a drama queen, said I could fake sleep better than a cat avoiding a bath.

The door creaked open.I could feel someone standing beside the bed, hovering, watching.It could’ve been Nico, but when a set of knuckles brushed gently across my cheek, I knew it was Alfonso.

He stayed for a moment, silent, then turned and left.I counted the seconds, waited until I was sure he was gone before I let my eyes flutter open.

Tears pricked as part of me wanted to make peace with my husband, but I needed him to treat me differently.I needed his respect.This was a business transaction, not a real marriage.But he wasn’t keeping his side of the contract.

He wasn’t giving me what I wanted, and now none of us were getting what we wanted.It was a vicious cycle.

Later that night, I sneaked into the kitchen and tried to find something small to eat.The fridge was basically empty.There wasn’t a sliver of food to be found.I was tired of alcohol.I sighed and shut the fridge door, jumping when I found my giant husband sitting at the breakfast nook watching me.

“Why are you so stubborn?”

“Why do you have such a temper?”

“I was born with it.”

“Me too.”

I got ready to leave when he grabbed my wrist again, though with less force this time.“Camilla, please.It’s been five days.I said I was sorry, and I meant it.”

“Some things you can’t fix with a sorry, Alfonso.”I stared at him.I could see the regret in his eyes.His gentle side was at the wheel, and I was a sucker for gentle Alfonso.But the beast, the rage in this man, was too much to handle.

“I only protect what is mine.”

“Protect?”

“Don’t start, please,” he pleaded.

“Then don’t push it.It’s not nice being strangled all the time and slammed against a wall wheneveryoudon’t get your way.And I have the right to protect myself.If you’re not going to feed me, you’re going to starve me to death, and you can’t force me to eat with you.You fucked up; own it.”I pulled my arm out of his grasp.

“How do I fix it?”

“By starting to keep your end of our contract.”

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