Page 151 of With Us

Though I clutched at my anger, some of it faded, slipping through my fingers. I hated being kept in the dark, but Julie was right.

When he first walked into Java Brew, it wasn’t like he could’ve said, ‘I’d like a large coffee and I’m a new era mob boss.’

“He said he’d give up everything for me,” I shared, the vodka loosening my tongue.

“Would you ask him to?”

I shrugged and shook my head at the same time. “I don’t know.” My sharing continued. “When I was a baby, my father killed my mother. He was married and she threatened to tell his wife. I stayed with my grandmother, and then bounced around foster care. Every time a couple would want to adopt me, they’d find out about my parents and change their mind.”

“God, Dahlia, I never knew.”

“My point is, I know what it’s like to not be accepted for who I am. I spent most of my life being rejected. It’s different, but I still don’t know if I could ask Theo to change who he is.”

“I think he would, though. Without resentment or anger.”

“What about his family?”

“They’d be okay, too. No one is forced into the position. If he stepped back, he’d appoint someone to take his place. Luc is his underboss, so it’d likely be him.”

I thought about Theo giving up that part of his life. He’d still have Amaric, but I didn’t know how he’d feel about losing the rest.

Or how many other men like the senator would get away with their offences without Theo there to make things right.

“I’ve seen ‘good’ law-abiding people do selfish things to benefit themselves alone. Like you said, Theo does bad things but it’s not all self-serving.” I thought about Larson and the teenage runaway. “And not without good reason.”

Julie nodded, taking the vodka bottle from me. “So what do you think you’re going to do?”

“If I’m staying, that’s it. I need to be all in, and that means figuring out if I can come to terms with it all. I have no clue if I can do that. At the same time, I never even knew love until Theo. I’m not sure if I can just walk away from that.” I made a chopping motion with my hand. “If he was all bad, sure. And if he was all good—”

“You’d be bored.”

“Ha! Maybe.” I knocked back the offered shot. “If things were black and white, light or dark, it’d be easy. But Theo’s gray. He’s a shadow.”

“And this is where I come in handy.” Reaching out, she held my hands. “If you step away, I can guarantee you aren’t losing us. And, yes, that includes Theo. Once you’re in, that’s it. You can call any of them, at any time of the day or night, and they’ll be there. Most likely, you’ll have a yard full of Amatos.” She tightened her grip slightly. “Make the decision based on Theo. The rest of us are here. You haven’t lost your friends. Yourfamily.” She paused for a second. “Unless you want to?”

My throat felt thick, so I just shook my head.

“Good.” She winked as she sat back. “We wouldn’t let you go anyway. Family is forever, right?”

???

“What’re you gonna do?” Julie asked for the millionth time. Sprawled on her couch, her head hung over the edge as she looked at me.

Each time we talked about Theo, my anger and confusion grew. I’d been keeping my feelings hidden, instead moving the conversation to something superficial. The more alcohol we drank, the easier this had become.

Once Julie had shared, I couldn’t keep going on about my problems to her. Not only because her husband had done the same things, hurting and killing people, but for the simple fact Theo was alive.

How could I tell her that I had love like she’d lost, but I was contemplating walking away from it?

Wearing a crown and a feather boa, I sat in Kat’s pink chair and did my best to look regal. “I still have no clue. I think I need to talk to Theo more about it.”

Before I made any decision, I needed to know there was nothing else he was hiding from me. I also wanted to know his feelings. Had he only offered to leave it all behind so I’d give in? Would he actually follow through?

And, if he did, would he grow to resent me?

“That’s a good idea.” She shifted until her legs were on the wall and she was sitting upside-down. “I’m biased because I adore you and don’t want you to leave him. But he’s an amazing guy. He does bad things, but for thebestreasons.”

We’d polished off the half-full bottle of vodka. We were both drunk, and had switched to water before things got way out of control.

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