Page 11 of The Bad Mother's Diary

Brandi and I were in the pub living room upstairs, when suddenly Callum’s Darth Vader costume caught on fire.

His black cape was literally a ball of flame.

I managed to throw Callum to the ground and roll on top of him while holding Daisy aloft in the other hand.

I thought I was crap at yoga, but it turns out I’m pretty bendy in an emergency.

Brandi was quick too. She shook up a bottle of Coca-Cola and used it like a fire extinguisher.

Some of my longer curls got burned (my hair needed a trim anyway), but luckily Callum was just fine.

We both shouted at Callum for the next half an hour. It turns out he’d found an old lighter in the pub garden.

Brandi was really upset with herself for letting Callum get the lighter. But it wasn’t her fault. Callum had hidden it under his Darth Vader armour.

Everyone says I worry too much, but today proves you can’t be too careful. There’s danger everywhere.

Friday January 16th

Back in London.

Daisy would NOT nap today. She always gets stressed when Helen is round.

I spent twenty minutes rocking and shaking her, swaying back and forth, humming ‘Like a Virgin’ and making sea noises in her ear.

Helen kept popping her head into the bedroom, asking if I ‘had everything under control’. So I kept having to start all the shushing and rocking all over again.

The worst part was, I couldn’t even tell Helen to go away because Daisy had nearly nodded off.

When Daisy finally fell asleep, Helen nagged me about the wedding.

She said, ‘I’m still not certain about having it at the village church. I mean … are you sure you wouldn’t prefer it in London? The pictures will looksomuch better.’

I said if she thought the church would look bad, maybe we should have the pictures in Mum and Dad’s pub garden.

Helen’s eyes bulged, and she spluttered, ‘Plastic GNOMES!’

Ha ha ha!

When Helen finally left, I was exhausted and starving.

There was no chocolate in the fridge, so I raided the cupboards.

Found a load of stuff from my (failed) attempt to make Laura a birthday cake.

Ate glace cherries, hundreds and thousands and trifle fingers. And half a pot of cake frosting.

I figured that Daisy needed a happy mother with high energy levels.

Dieting isn’t easy when you have a baby.

Anyway. I’m notthatfat.

Nick came back late, but happy. He’s been offered a part – James Dean in a made-for-tv movie called, ‘Dead Stars on Mars’.

I have to say, Nick thoroughly deserves that role. He spent hours googling 1950s hairstyles before the audition.

Saturday January 17th

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