Page 119 of The Bad Mother's Diary

I didn’t even have the energy to stop Daisy chewing my iPhone.

Tuesday November 17th

Daisy is sleeping through the night. But I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about Alex.

It’s really lucky I don’t have his number. Because I’d have texted him by now. And that would have made me look really desperate and ridiculous.

I’m not eighteen anymore. I don’t need to know why, why WHY a man isn’t calling.

I know why men don’t call.

It’s because they’re not interested.

And anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves.

Wednesday November 18th

Decided to throw myself back into dieting and getting fit.

Food today:

Breakfast – One home-blended strawberry and yoghurt smoothie with oats and pumpkin seeds (mess all over kitchen).

Lunch – One Slim Girl spinach and kale soup (123 calories, tasted like burnt grass).

Mid-afternoon – Weird sugar frenzy – eight rusks. But strong-willed enough to leave the last two.

Tea – Cheese and beans on toast with Worcester sauce and (fuck it, I’m already over my calories) half a tub of Häagen-Dazs (didn’t mean to eat half, but kept trying to get the surface perfectly smooth and got carried away).

9pm

Ate last two rusks.

Thursday November 19th

Alex has disappeared off the face of the planet. It’s like he was some crazy dream. Did I imagine the whole thing?

Haven’t lost any weight this week.

Maybe I’ve mucked up my metabolism and now can never lose weight. Maybe I’ll have to eat rabbit portions forever more to stop myself becoming a big heifer.

Told Althea I might be in love with Alex.

She gave me a big lecture about love being a feminist issue and how society uses romance to control women.

Then she went on about her new boyfriend and how he’s given her the best oral sex ever. And he didn’t freak out when Wolfgang chewed a hole in his canvas rucksack, so she thinks he might be partner material.

Friday November 20th

Alex, Alex, Alex!

I really miss him. Not just because I fancy him. I liked going running with him. He was a friend.

I feel like someone’s died. Stupid, I know. There must still be some hormones flying around. When did I get so dramatic?

Got the tube to Oxford Street and bought myself a McDonald’s big breakfast and a Christmas coffee with whipped cream from Starbucks.

Then I got depressed about weight gain.

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