Page 122 of The Bad Mother's Diary

They hadn’t had their Thanksgiving lunch yet, and Aunty Yasmin was panicking about the turkey.

Uncle Ralph had bought a regular chicken from the supermarket, and Aunty Yasmin thought it could be full of dangerous growth hormones that would give them all cancer.

Aunty Yasmin’s singing lessons are really paying off – at least in the volume department. I think everyone in LA must have heard her shouting at Lolly for rollerblading on the marble floor.

Friday November 27th

Strangest birthday ever.

Mum did the traditional Duffy birthday breakfast (fried bread, fried eggs, black pudding, sausages, hash browns, potato smiley faces, toast, chips, baked beans with butter mixed in them, crispy bacon and then Mum’s special extra – brown sauce mixed with pork scratchings).

Then Mum took Daisy out to ‘give me a break’.

I decided to Facebook-stalk Sadie.

Sadie’s wall was full of selfies, as per usual.

Look at me wearing this hat! And another hat! Look at me with this lovely-looking cake!

And then … Look at me in my new maternity coat with myboyfriendNick Spencer …

I checked her relationship status and it said,

‘In a relationship with Nick Spencer.’

Ouch.

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

But while I was wallowing in self-pity, a weird thing happened.

I got a Facebook message.

From Alex.

There was no profile picture of him, just that little question-mark face thing.

I thought it must be a joke at first. Brandi messing around or something.

The message said:

Happy Birthday Juliette.

I read and re-read the message, my heart yammering away.

Then I shouted, ‘Brandi? Is that you doing this on Facebook?’

Brandi shouted back that she definitely was NOT on Facebook because she was ‘having a poo’. Although I know full well she uses Facebook while she’s on the toilet.

My fingers got all shaky then. And I wrote back, ‘Thank you.’

Then I got another message saying, ‘How are you?’

I wrote back, ‘I’m fine. Is that really you, Alex?’

And he wrote back, ‘Yes it’s me. Alex with the flashy car.’

So then I knew it was really him.

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