Page 15 of The Bad Mother's Diary

Sunday January 25th

Didn’t I just cut Daisy’s finger- and toenails yesterday? They’ve already reached slasher proportions.

How do people cope with three children? That’s sixty finger- and toenails, not even counting your own.

Mum offered to help me, but I don’t trust her with a pair of scissors.

She can’t even cut a loaf of bread straight.

The Oakley Arms is famous for its wonky cheese sandwiches.

Monday January 26th

Mum and Dad drove me to Aldi today because (yet again) my car wouldn’t start.

Dad drove there, Mum drove back.

Dad drove 5 mph under the speed limit, put his face right up against the windscreen and cut the engine out to save petrol going down hills.

Mum sped up at amber lights, beeped the horn constantly and ate M&Ms/swigged Gaviscon while overtaking on the motorway.

Tuesday January 27th

The good thing about babies is they won’t tell anyone you’ve farted.

Which is good because thisFood Gurudiet is wind city.

Helen rang, but I really can’t go wedding flower shopping today. Nick’s mum doesn’t find farts funny.

Not like our family.

Mum can even make her boobs do farty sounds.

Wednesday January 28th

I asked Mum if I could see her wedding photos today.

After months of Helen showing me model brides in stately homes, I wanted to remind myself what a normal wedding looked like.

Mum and Dad’s wedding photos are all postcard-sized and printed at the Kodak booth. They didn’t go in for ‘all this professional-photographer bollocks’.

In fact, their whole wedding was a low-key affair. They spent thirty pounds on sausage rolls and a barrel of beer and that was it.

It’s important we get married – for Daisy’s sake as well as mine. But there’s no point of wasting money on a big, flashy wedding.

Mum and Dad’s wedding was simple, and they’re still together forty years later.

In the pictures, everyone is staring at Mum’s boobs. Dad, the vicar … everyone.

But I suppose it was the eighties. See-through lace and lots of cleavage were the fashion in those days.

Thursday January 29th

Oh. My. God. I CANNOT be TWENTY POUNDS heavier than before I was pregnant!!!

And that is standing completely naked on the scalesafterI’ve been to the toilet.

It’s such rubbish that your body ‘knows what it needs’ when you’re pregnant.

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