Page 18 of The Bad Mother's Diary

Managed a few minutes on my own, before collapsing red-faced and panting against our neighbours’ railings.

Perhaps it would be better if I lose weight first. If I diet, then I’ll be lighter and running will be a lot easier.

I’m going to do a total fascist starvation routine and lose weight uber-quickly.

Soup for tea.

And tomorrow I’m going to do a juice fast. Only fruit and vegetable juice.

Monday February 2nd

Woke up with a runny nose and sore throat.

Stupid to diet when you’re ill.

Had three rounds of buttered toast and a big mug of hot chocolate.

Tuesday February 3rd

Despite all my hard work, I haven’t lost ANY weight!

I am very disheartened. Phoned Laura and she gave me the nice big sister talk. ‘Don’t worry. You’re doing great. Don’t give up.’

Then I phoned Sadie. She told me I was naturally large. ‘Look at your mother,’ she said. ‘It runs in the family.’

Felt very depressed.

Althea wasn’t picking up her phone, so I called Brandi.

She said, ‘Look, moaning gets you nowhere. Why don’t you come to my pole dancing class and get fit?’

I told her that the idea of me dancing around a pole, right now, makes me think of an elephant in fishnet stockings.

But Brandi promised I definitely wouldn’t be the fattest one there.

Wednesday February 4th

POLE DANCING!!!!!

What was I thinking?

I definitely WAS the heaviest. The mega-fat pole dancer Brandi promised me didn’t show up. If she ever really existed.

The instructor was a bright orange girl with muscles on every part of her body. She drank two bottles of Lucozade, then bounced and jiggled non-stop for a full hour. She was like a blurry line.

‘And step, step, spin, squat, LEGS!, spin, drop – HAIR FLICK! Curly girl (that was me), watch the skinny one (that was Brandi).’

When it was over, my muscles ached so badly I could hardly get my coat on.

Brandi bounced along beside me talking about how energised she felt and saying we should get a drink.

I said I couldn’t because of Daisy.

Brandi looked all confused and said, ‘But isn’t Mum looking after her?’

I said, ‘Yes, but Daisy might wake up.’

Brandi said, ‘So? Mum will handle it.’

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