Page 33 of The Bad Mother's Diary

Spring Ball was worse than expected.

Sadie took her gay make-up guy from Nick’s theatre, and Brandi took a semi-professional wrestler called Thorn. Laura went with Zach.

So it was just me without a date.

Just to make matters worse, Brandi insisted on doing our hair before we went.

Laura looked like a beautiful forest princess, with long, curly blonde hair all woven with silver thread.

Sadie looked like a fashion model.

I looked like I’d been electrocuted.

I suppose it wasn’t Brandi’s fault really. She’d never done highlights on a real person before.

On the plus side, we ended up sitting on the top table with the Daltons so we got all the good food.

I ended up two seats away from Alex.

He keptlookingat me, so I asked him if he knew his vintage MG was parked on double yellow lines outside.

He said, ‘Yes. How’s the running going?’

I said, ‘Crap. I don’t know how anyone can run twenty-six miles.’

He said, ‘A marathon is twenty-seven miles.’

I said, ‘Maybe you can give me a piggyback.’

Alex said, ‘Juliette, you can do this. Don’t pay any attention to Nicholas Spencer. Look, I’m serious about training you. I’m in London this week – are you still at Helen Jolly Piggott’s place?’

I said yes, and Alex said, ‘I’ll call round midweek.’

A little later in the evening, when I was coming back from the loo, Catrina Dalton was leaning over Alex’s shoulder, all rock-hard white French pleat and finger-fulls of diamond rings.

She was whispering about ‘Sheila Duffy’s girls’, and saying, ‘Steer well clear if I were you.’

So as far as training goes, I’ll believe it when I see it.

Hopefully Zach and Laura will get married and Catrina Dalton will have us all as in-laws.

Including Mum and Brandi.

Ha ha ha!

While I was at the bar, the horrible charity auction began.

Duncan Cockett (local businessman and red-nosed drunk) did the hosting.

He owns Cockett Fitness but is fatter than most darts players.

Duncan boomed about what an honour it was to be at yet another Dalton charity event, and asked Alex and Zach if they’d be bidding.

Zach said he ‘certainly would be’ and took Laura’s hand.

Alex slid his hands in his pockets and said, ‘This is nonsense.’

Zach said, ‘It’s only a bit of fun, Alex.’

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