Page 39 of The Bad Mother's Diary

Penelope shouted at them as though they were human children.

‘How many times have Iaskedyou to be careful in here?’

Then she sent the dogs into the garden and announced we’d be eating in the conservatory, ‘so we can enjoy the pale spring sun peeking through the clouds.’

I was totally nervous.

Especially when we sat at the table, and Penelope told us the wine glasses were antique family heirlooms.

Daisy was in the sling and kept trying to grab everything. And the more I moved the glasses away from her, the more she wanted them.

I was so busy moving the wine glasses, I didn’t notice Daisy grab a big block of Stilton and stuff it into her mouth. Then she half-coughed, half-vomited blue cheese and dribbled all over the lovely white table linen, the beige carpet, and Penelope’s plate.

I tried to clear everything up, sayingsorryover and over again.

Penelope and Helen’s lips twitched.

Then (WHY does she always do this at the WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT?) Daisy did the longest, loudest mega-farty poo ever. It sounded like a train rumbling past.

Everyone tried to pretend they hadn’t heard. Which made it even funnier.

I excused myself to change Daisy, and Penelope got all flustered.

‘NOT in the downstairs lavatory please. It’s being decorated. You can use the upstairs bathroom.’

The upstairs bathroom had one of those free-standing baths with Victorian taps. But it didn’t have a bin for the dirty nappy.

Daisy was crying. I got all flustered.

Decided to stash nappy under the pram downstairs. Bit disgusting, but I thought I could throw it away at home. Then I went upstairs again to wash my hands.

When Daisy and I got back to the conservatory, the two dogs were going crazy over something in the garden.

Penelope said, ‘Oh no. Bill. What have those dogs got now?’

I had a bad feeling. Right in the pit of my stomach.

Suddenly, Sergeant galloped up to the glass with the nappy in his mouth.

Penelope said, ‘I think he’s got a …’

Bill said, ‘It looks like … anappy.’

Then everyone was horribly quiet.

Everything was in slow motion.

Horatio chased Sergeant and tried to tear the nappy from his teeth. Sergeant wouldn’t let go. The nappy was ripped apart and the contents flew all over the conservatory windows.

There was this terrible, terrible silence.

Brown shadows hung over the lunch table.

Everyone looked politely at their plates. Except Helen, who was glaring at me with boiling eyes.

We all carried on having lunch as though there wasn’t poo on the glass.

Penelope rushed us through the courses (walnut and Stilton salad, beef Wellington, crème brûlée). Then she said there wasn’t really time for a cheese course and she and Bill had an appointment.

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