Page 45 of The Bad Mother's Diary

I asked why not.

He said, ‘For all anyone knows I could be in my twenties. The family-man image adds ten years.’

I said, ‘Fine. I won’t show any pictures. As long as you don’t wear your sunglasses indoors.’

He did his theatrical sigh and said, ‘I’ve told you a thousand times. Sunglasses are alook. Speaking of which, don’t you have anything that makes you look … less mumsy?’

I shouted that I was amotherso lookingmumsywas part of the deal.

He said, ‘Fine, okay. Forget it. If you’re just going to get agro.’

Bloody Nick. It’s okay for men. They stay exactly the same after they have kids. Women age ten years overnight.

Tuesday April 14th

Squeezed myself into pre-pregnancy grey skinny jeans for what turned out to be a horrible night.

Couldn’t bend down all evening without making a weird, creaky groaning noise. When I tried to kiss Daisy I let out this ‘wheeee!’ sound.

I couldn’t even do the jeans up without an elastic band around the button.

With high heels on I thought I looked alright.

But the effect was lost on Nick.

He said, ‘Why are you walking like a robot?’

While I was getting ready, Daisy managed to get hold of the toilet roll. God knows how – I moved everything in our bathroom to eye level ages ago. The shelf is like a game of Jenga – toilet brush, bathroom bin and scales all on top of each other.

I don’t know if Daisy ate any toilet roll, but she was definitely giving it a good chew.

Panicked about toilet roll in her digestive system.

Phoned Mum.

She said, ‘Toilet roll? You used to chew your dad’s fishhooks. And you turned out just fine.’

I asked Mum what she thought about Helen babysitting Daisy.

Mum said, ‘As long as Daisy’s asleep, what difference does it make who’s there?’

I said, ‘But if she wakes up …’

Mum said, ‘She won’t wake up.’

But still, I didn’t like leaving Daisy with Helen.

The party was really bad.

It was full of flashy, beautiful people with bleached teeth. They all shouted, rather than spoke.

‘Oh BABY CAKES! I haven’t seen you in FOREVER!’

All the men boomed at each other. ‘Ra Ra! Jonathan! Ra, ra ra!’

And all the women clutched champagne glasses, tossed their hair and admired themselves in the shiny windows.

Just as I was coming out of the loo, I bumped into Sadie. She goes to Actors’ Guild events sometimes, but I didn’t know she was going to this one.

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