Page 46 of The Bad Mother's Diary

She said, ‘Why didn’t you warn me you and Nick were coming? If I’d have known lizard boy would be working the room in his sunglasses I would have stayed away. Good lord! You’re wearingjeans?Why?’

She was wearing a huge peacock-blue ball gown and holding a feathered masquerade mask in her hand.

Then Helen rang saying I needed to come home.

Daisy was wailing like a fire engine in the background.

I felt like my heart was being yanked down the phone line.

My little girl! My little girl!

I shouted that I needed to get homeright now.

Sadie put on her sympathetic face. ‘The perils of motherhood. But how will Nick wipe his bottom when you’re gone?’

Nick appeared behind Sadie and said, ‘Speaking of bottoms, I heard yours was photo-shopped forElle. The photographer said he’d never seen an arse with acne before.’

Sadie shouted, ‘Itoldmy agent that was CONFIDENTIAL!’

Got the tube across London and ran to the apartment like a crazy person.

Somewhere on the way home, the rubber band on my jeans snapped.

Helen opened her front door to find a frizzy haired, red-faced maniac with her jeans undone.

I knew I looked bad, because Helen said, ‘Christ almighty!’

Poor little Daisy was on her shoulder, totally red in the face, screaming her head off.

Daisy reached out her arms when she saw me and fell straight to sleep on my shoulder.

Helen said, ‘If you had a routine, this wouldn’t have happened.’

I said, ‘If you had a maternal bone in your body, this wouldn’t have happened.’

I started crying then. I don’t know why.

Wednesday April 15th

Got a massive telling-off from Nick about being rude to his mother.

He’s such a hypocrite! He talks to her like the hired help.

I tried to explain what happened, but he wasn’t having any of it. Just went on about how lucky we are and how grateful we should be for everything his mum does for us.

I blew my top.

I shouted that I wanted a place of our own. That we shouldn’t be relying on his mum like we do.

And then it was same old, same old. Any day now. My break is coming. It’s SO hard being an actor. Blah blah blah.

While we were rowing, Alex turned up to go running.

Nick said, ‘Oh that’s very mature Juliette. You’re quite literally running of with another man while we’re trying to have an adult discussion.’

But frankly, I wanted to get out of that flat and be around someone who wasn’t an actor and didn’t turn everything into one huge drama.

I think Alex sensed something was up, because he said, ‘Bad day?’

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